Lordy, lordy... look who's WHAT?!

The good news is I am still alive.  I woke up this morning still breathing in and out.  Although I'm still convinced my heart rate is elevated.  I guess that means I have survived turning 40.  Thus far.

I don't feel any different.  Not any more tired than yesterday.  Nothing hurts anymore than it did yesterday.  Body and mind still intact.

Any wiser?  I should hope so, but I doubt it.  At least not in one day.

But I have learned some very valuable lessons as I depart my 30's that I think warrant sharing.

1.  Don't dwell on the small stuff.  Life is FAR to short to be worried about what kind of car you drive, if your Coach handbag is better than another friends or if your jeans have the right label on the ass.

2.  If you have kids (especially only's or the oldest), don't ride them all the time.  They don't have to be perfect.  They will turn out just the way they should.  Pressuring them like a cooker will just make them resent you.

3.  If you have more than one child, hug on the baby of the family ALL THE TIME.  Soon they won't be and hugs will get restricted, particularly in public.  I know this, I'm a BOF :)

4.  Career climb?  This one is tricky and depends on your ultimate goals.  If you want the half million dollar house and 2011 Mercedes, climb away.  Skip rungs if you can.  Work until your fingers bleed, but don't expect a lot of family understanding.  If you have kids and plan to do this, be careful.  They will soar through those 10 years and you will wake up and they will disregard you for never being present.  If you aren't driven by "stuff", go ahead and stay steady working the job that makes you the best person you can be.

And my last piece of advice ~ and this is the BIGGIE ~ don't forget while you are working your tail to the bone, trying to earn money and giving 150% (I HATE that term... not even possible), don't forget you have a spouse.  Oh yeah, that dude that lives in your house (or gal, if any guys read my blog).  Remember him/her?  Yeah.  If you plan to sail through your 30's ignoring your partner, be ready in your 40s when the kids are teens (or gone) to get out your pen.  Chances are VERY high your partner will do one of the following:

a.  cheat

b.  cheat and leave you

c.  cheat, leave you and ask for divorce

d.  cheat, leave you, ask for divorce and want 50/50 custody of your kids

e.  cheat, leave you, ask for divorce, want 50/50 custody of your kids and remarry in 6 months

So unless you want one of those items to occur, I suggest you pay a slight amount of attention to them while going through the career, the kids and the metabolism meltdown.  Just find yourself a nice outlet (I have LOTS of wine suggestions), laugh with good friends as often as you can and smile away.  Try to be grateful for all the things you have and don't get bogged down in how hard all of it is.  The good news is people all around you are doing exactly the same thing! 

So lift your glasses up... drink to my big 4-0.  Glad I made it this far.  I only hope my 40's will give me more wisdom, strength and courage to be the real me, a nice boost to my career and an exit strategy for d-day (my ultimate goal).  CHEERS!

Call a Whambulance

I'm having heart palpitations.  My left arm is numb.  I'm sure I'm having a heart attack right now.  Oh wait... that's just panic.  Yep, on my 40 birthday-eve I'm feeling a bit agitated.  Hmm, I wonder why.  It can't be because I haven't accomplished what I wanted by now.  I have far exceeded my goals of myself.  Granted I have new goals all the time but in terms of "stuff" and "position in life", I got where I wanted to be.  So what is it?

Every big event that occurs I always sit back and ask myself pretty much the same few questions.  Do I have the RELATIONSHIPS I want to have?  Am I giving enough to those in my life?  What can I do to improve being a better person to those I love and care about?

I think that is why I love Thanksgiving so much.  I really, truly, consciously try to be grateful for the people in my life.  I've even challenged myself with a month of gratefulness every morning to those I care about.  Not STUFF, just people.  It's been quite easy, surprisingly.

But this birthday seems heavier.  No, I'm not vain.  I don't care about my wrinkles or my muffin top.  I don't care if I have the right "stuff" to fit in with anyone.  I think I'm trying to barometer my life, my relationships.  It's a tough one ~ each relationship we have is a two way street.  You may try really desperately hard to be close to someone that has no desire to reciprocate.  Do you keep trying?  Do you discard and start over?  I've always been the latter ~ relationship isn't working, can't get things to grow and change, so just dump it and move on.  Ouch.  I have a giant string of these.  No regrets, but they still hang back there as reminders to me.

So I think I will have some preemptive cocktails tonight with the hubs to celebrate the impending doom of tomorrow.  How bad can it be?  Just everyone reminding me I'm old now.  I was 4 when my momma turned 40.  How weird is that.  My sons are 22 and 10!  At least I have d-day to look forward to a short 8 years from now.  Or sooner if hubs and I can't make it that long.  Oh little guy, I hope you can get out before we start the downsizing or you might just be going with it! :)  Of course I'm kidding....

A funny I can leave you with...  Little guy told hubs and I this week that he wants to go to LSU.  It's the purple tigers, so all in the fam with MU.  Funny.  I ask why.  His reply?  "Mom, everyone wants to play football in Death Valley."  He has this awesome idea that when he goes to college hubs and I will be moving with him (not in the dorm of course, but close by).  Afterwards hubs and I just had to laugh... no WAY can we live that close to New Orleans!  We would need new livers by his Junior year!

Out of the mouths of babes.... :)

Momma Love

Today is the anniversary of the fateful call I received 7 years ago that my momma passed away.  I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing.  It's funny how small things will stick in your brain from a single moment in time but you can't remember what is on your grocery list on your fridge at home when you are at the store. 

As the baby of the family and separated by 6 years from my next older sibling, I spent a lot of my childhood being obnoxious.  I was loud, boisterous and sassy... but mostly only to my momma.  To my father, I was obedient, respectful and quiet.  This duality has served me fairly well as an adult.  I can channel my focus, competitive drive and "need to succeed" from my father into my career while I am my truest self in my personal life.  It's strange how that happens ~ when your kids grow up they will take on manifestations of you that you never imagined until you see it in them.  My oldest Bubba is a lot like me as well (the momma side of me)... always striving to be his truest self.

As for my teens, I was a nightmare.  My folks divorcing when I was 16 didn't help matters.  I rebelled significantly; evidenced by my marriage and baby by 18.  But it was always my momma that toed the line and taught me how to become a woman and a mother, to be empathetic to others and be true to myself.

Those that know my momma will remember her as honest, true, a bit sassy (okay, a LOT sassy), opinionated and loving.  She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it but would be straightforward in identifying your mistakes so you wouldn't need it again.  But if you ever did, she was the first person to arrive. 

The older I get, the closer I become my mother.  I strive for the day when I don't have a duality in my personality.  When I can be exactly me, no holds barred in any aspect of my life.  My d-day will help me to achieve that goal.  My momma was a minimalist without trying to be.  Sure, she collected lots of things.  But money was not her truest intention.  Loving her family was her number one goal... and she nailed it. 

I miss her unconditional love every single day of my life and I'm certain I will until I join her in heaven.  I am so blessed to have had such a great woman in my life.  I pray that I have the strength, courage and wisdom to be even half of the mother she was to her four children.

Poke the Bear

Approximately once a month, with no specific pattern (eh hem), I turn into the most psychotic woman on the face of the planet for about 24 hours.  Hmmm.  Have no idea what that happens.  Just a hint ~ I was the in the BEST mood during the entire 9 months of both of my pregnancies since my hormones weren't active any longer.  Oh well, at least I'm self aware.

That 24 hour period of time this month culminated with my management of my LEAST favorite material item = my car.  I should either live in an extremely small community, college town or back in the olden times when my transportation could have been a horse.  I HATE cars... hate them.  Never liked them, not one little bit.  Means to an end, that's it for me. 

Those of you that know me now probably don't believe that because of my current transportation so I'll explain.  Yep, I drive a Saab.  So what.  Anyone can drive a Saab.  Or a BMW.  Or a Volvo.  Or a damn Lamborghini.  If you can't afford it new, there is this awesome idea of purchasing previously owned vehicles.  So that's exactly what I did on my 36th birthday with my hubs out of town ~ bought my midlife crisis (see, I act 50 even though I in my 30's). 

This car will be my demise.  I'm certain of it.  I am only $12,000 little dollars away from paying full retail, new car pricing for this thing.  This car has already surpassed the cost of my family home when my parents bought it in 1973.  Seriously.

But this experience is nothing new for me.  Just short of 40 years old, this car is my 10th car.  Yes, you read that right... my TENTH car.  My string of luck has included the following fun:

• '77 Toyota Corolla (which I totaled... and it was my mom's car)
• '90 Suzuki Sidekick (LOVED it.  First new car, ex took it in the divorce and sold it)
• '67 Dodge Dart (my fav.. NOT.  Bright blue with blue vinyl matching interior, no heater and AM radio~ but my bro bought it trying to help me out)
• '89 Dodge Hatchback thing (had it 1 month, the dealer had to take it back because the seller changed their mind on their new purchase and demanded their car back!)
• '92 Mazda sedan thing (my only other brand new car, loaned to me for 3 months by the Mazda dealer for jacking me on my car sale)
• '90 Beretta - first one.  Kinda treated it like a rental, it stressed me out because I didn't really pick it (Mazda dealer jack up situation).  Totaled it 3 months before my wedding.
•  '92 Beretta - yep, did it again.    And yes, totaled this car as well.
• '89 Honda Accord hatchback.  Paid $1,200 for the car, drove it for 2 years.  By the time I sold it, it had no brakes, no clutch and the power steering was out.  Probably my best investment.
• '97 Honda Accord ~ probably my best car.  Willed it to Bubba at 18 and he sold it.
• And now... the /'03 Saab.  Bought it in 2008 for way less than it's Blue Book and put $16,000 additionally into it since I bought it ($11,000 of which was under warranty, before you freak out)

So after shelling out $2,000 yesterday for a beautifully rebuilt engine, anger is at a new level for me.  All of my friends keep asking the obvious "why aren't you just selling it??"  Did you know there isn't much of a market for a car without an operating engine?  Turns out it loses quite a bit of it's value if it doesn't run.  Oh, and I still owe on the car... go figure.  Just burning money at this point.

At this point I am DETERMINED to keep this car until I die.  Oh sure, I'll buy another stupid car that will take me from point A to B again, but this one will live in my garage for eternity.  I can't afford NOT to keep it.  It's a challenge at this point to keep the damn thing running.

Can't wait for my D-day (downsize day).  I'm pretty sure the Saab has a tow hitch ~ so I hope it can pull the bullet.  It better - this bear is EVIL when poked!