Fantastic Fathers

My hubs said the most profound thing to me. 

When he was a kiddo, he had a Youth Pastor that was lecturing the kids on responsibilities of fatherhood.  He told the boys the following:

The most important thing a father can do for his children is show them how much he loves their mother.

WOW.

I actually stopped what I was doing and immediately pondered what just came out of his mouth.  As far as I am concerned, he (and his Pastor) are BRILLIANT.

If born into a traditional family setting with one mother and one father, as children we come into this world loving both of our parents.  Sure girls may tend to gravitate towards their fathers and boys tend to gravitate towards their mothers at different times in the growth cycle, but nonetheless children love BOTH of their parents.  Even in documented cases where one or both parents are abusive to their children either physically, emotionally or god forbid sexually ~ children will still love their parents.  They are biologically designed to do so.

When a parent is cruel to the other parent, particularly in front of their children, a child has no other option but to defend the person they love.  It's no different with your siblings quite frankly - I have often said to others "It's okay for ME to be mad at my brother but no WAY anyone else can!"  It's a protective gene we have for those that we love.  We never want to see them harmed in any way unless of course they have hurt us themselves (which is an entirely different blog).

I reflected back on this and my own life and hubs is so right.  My parents divorced when I was 16 and my mother never said a single, solitary bad thing about my father to me.  In fact she did quite the opposite - if I expressed anger towards my dad around her she would plead with me to patient, to be understanding, to try to work it out with him.  She loved him until the day that she died with every fiber of her being.  Maybe because she just did, or maybe it was because he was the father of her children.  I won't know the answer to that.

I have said a zillion times on here and to anyone that will listen that I absolutely DESPISE my ex.  I wish I would have never married that man.  It was such a huge mistake.  I was to young to understand that I already had Bubba, I didn't need to marry him just to make it look better.    But I will say this ~ as much as I hated him, as much anger as I had for his lackadaisical way of being a father to my son, I always, always defended him to my son when he didn't show up.  I made excuse after excuse trying to protect him in the eyes of my son.  I could see how desperately my son wanted his father's love and attention and it tore me up when he disappointed him time and time again.  But I just sat back and let be what was going to be.  I will never, ever forgive my ex for the long list of crap he has done to my son but I am still saddened for my son.  As an adult now, my son does not speak to his father.  He severed his relationship with him on his own accord to protect his emotional and physical safety.  But it wasn't because of me. 

Well, wait - I'll take that back.  Maybe it was partially because of me.  His father repeatedly thrashed me.  4th wife has even addressed me as "that whore" to my son.  Big mistake.  Because my son loves ME, too.  And you can't make kids choose.  If you do, you won't like the consequences that come your way.

Both of my sons are so incredibly lucky.  My hubs and I are certainly not without faults.  We have made marital mistakes.  We have argued in front of our children a time or two.  But my boys know all the way down to their core that my hubs loves me unconditionally.  And by extension, they will learn to become wonderful fathers and husbands.  Bubba is already the most amazing father and will never, ever be hurtful to nugget.  He respects my daughter in law so much and loves her unconditionally - something little nugget will no doubt see and understand clearly.  And thus the cycle will continue.

To all my friends going through divorce or coparenting afterwards, try to take in those words above.  It doesn't really matter if you are a mom or a dad - just remember that the other person is incredibly important to your children.  Remember that your children unconditioanlly love their other parent.  Be kind in your words about them.  Overkill with kindness.  Let them see that without their other parent, they wouldn't have become the little ones that they are, even if you don't like your ex.  Show them the best example you can despite your circumstances.  Your children will appreciate it later in life, I promise.  And if their parent is a jackass, they will figure that out as well.  In the end, they will respect you for being the bigger person and always being there for them.

And to the step moms and dads that may be reading, one final piece of advice.  Tread very, very lightly with your stepkids about their other parent.  If you trash their mom or dad (your spouse's ex), they will grow to despise you.  Remember, they love their parents.  They are designed to protect them.  If you try to interrupt the general flow of the biological p's it will eventually bite you in the ass.  Oh you may win little battles, but when the kids get old enough to figure out your antics you won't be on their Top 10 Favorite People list.  In fact, you'll be on the People to Avoid list for the rest of your life.

This is How We Do It

I traveled for business yesterday with a woman that I knew already, but not well.  8 hours in the car together gets you to know each other pretty darn well.  And yes, if you are wondering, I did ask her permission to blog her story and she said YES, THAT'S SO SWEET!

I had a coworker at my prior employer that did this same thing with her ex-husband, so now I have met two courageous, selfless women that made this work.  I'm so excited to share it!

My friend had a child when she was in her early 20's.  She unfortunately later divorced her daughter's father and relocation moved her out of state from him.  He didn't have much visitation with the little girl after the age of 4 but didn't ask for it either.  When she asked for financial support of her daughter he terminated his parental rights.  Awesome.

My friend buckled down as a single mother and raised her child.  When her friends went out on Friday nights, she stayed home.  Sounds familiar.  She didn't ask her parents to babysit (or anyone else for that matter), she did it all on her own.

Flash forward a few years and she had a chance meeting with her now husband.  He was also a single dad of a daughter and had full custody of his child as well.  They had a LOT of things in common and had an instant connection.  But somehow, through all the lust and desire, they held strong in their first commitment to raise their daughters.  Without drama.  Without having to change schools, "learn to live" with a new sister, learn to understand a new parent.  In short, her words were to me "Why would I MAKE my daughter blend into MY life.  I made a decision to bring her into this life and give her my full, utmost attention~ always doing what was best for her.  Why would that be best?"  

I was floored.  Women I know don't usually do this.  Nor men, for that matter.  Most people just can't or won't make that type of sacrifice for their children.

So they did.  They did not get married.  They did not move in together.  Instead what they did was visit each other, with their girls.  If one had a soccer game, they all went.  When my friend's daughter made homecoming queen, he walked her onto the football field.  He was present in her life, just like a father should be.  And my friend was present in his daughter's life, just as she a mother would be.

Present.  Such a simple word.  I think what most parents forget is that saying one thing and doing another is a complete contradiction to children.  They are simple.  Show up.  Be there.  Be present, not distracted to them.

After both girls were grown and moved out of the home, I'm happy to announce that after 9 years of dating, they married.  Not only that, but he adopted her 21 year old daughter ~ they made the decision together!  How amazing is that!

Now, they are a happy, healthy couple.  Their daughters know their love for them.  Nobody is jealous.  Nobody is fighting.  Bliss.

Hubs and I have said it time and time again.  No divorce.  Ever.  No coparenting.  Ever.  It just won't happen.  Our little guy is far to important to drag through the drama of steps (and of course we will become ex's).  His happiness is first, no matter what.

The Price of Kids

I went to a holiday party last night and at the end of the night wound up visiting with a new friend.  As always, women gravitate eventually towards questions like "Do you have any kids?" and when faces start to shift, I always know what's coming.  My new friend stated "yes, I have three.  17, 15 and 9.  The first two boys are my step-kids" which was was clearly obvious, she looks to be about 27 herself.  So I just had to go there ~ "how's that working out for you?"  Yeah, it's not really, she replied.

Without prompting, she launched into a diatribe about the kids, the ex, her hubs and her own child (the 9 is hers, not a "theirs") and how difficult it is to maneuver through the crap.  Her ex is out of the picture, never sees her 9 year old daughter and hasn't since she was 3.  End result = perfect bliss.  The older boys are an entirely different story.

Her hubs ex actually told them she was going to need them to pay the down payment of her new house.  Yep, you read that right.  See, she is pregnant and only has a 3 bedroom house, so when the baby is born the two older boys will have to share a room.  The bio dad got mad and said that's not acceptable, they are 17 and 15 and won't have enough space.  Her solution?  I'll buy a new house, but you're paying the down payment since you are making us move.

Are you freakin' kidding me??  Best ever ~ HE DID IT!  Oh My God.  Serious bio dad guilt in play here.

So my new friend is stuck.  Of course she works full time, has a great job with a great income, and it pays the down payment of her hubs' ex's house.  I would shoot myself in that situation.

Not to mention all the other stuff that comes with teenage boys.  Boys are so different than girls in every single way.  They don't have the same type of drama, but they do have drama.  I'm lucky in that Bubba was actually a very cool teenager.  He rarely got into trouble but when he did he would take full responsibility along with his punishment fairly easily and didn't usually repeat the negative behaviour.  Sure he made some silly mistakes but all teenagers do!

I think one of the hardest things for people that have kids, steps and ex's to deal with is money.  It causes everyone to lose focus of the responsibility of raising the kids and making them come first.  Everyone seems to fight over child support, doctors bills, school clothes.. on and on and on.

My experience was easy.  Wrote court ordered child support in the decree.  Easy peasy.  He didn't pay the courts collected and not me.  I did attempt to get my ex to help with sports fees and other stuff but it was pretty much a useless conversation.  Ex's 2nd wife did an awesome job buying Bubba stuff he needed when he was with them so that was very helpful.  By the time Bubba went to private high school I foot the bill for all of it - it just wasn't worth the conversation any longer.  Pulling teeth, as I always said.  And by then, 2nd wife left and was collecting child support on their 3 daughters so there wasn't anything left to get anyway I'm sure.  Same for the wedding, didn't even bother to ask.

I wonder what would happen if money wasn't an issue?  If parents could just focus on being parents?  Hmm, novel concept.  But that will never happen. 

I have a GREAT idea:  there are a zillion calculators on the average cost of a child from birth to 18 with LOTS of different factors (salaries, housing, college, etc), but it's somewhere in the $250,000 range.  So just do the math ~ make it unemotional.  You divorce when you are kid is 12, you have 6 years to "pay".  That's roughly $83,333, or $41,667 per person (bio mom and dad).  Cold hard fact, not taking into consideration who makes more (because I don't care about that - it's equal responsibility in my eyes).  That's $6,945 a year or $578.71 per month.  BOTH bio mom and bio dad put $578.71 per month in a bank account for the kid - no matter what.  EVERYTHING the kid needs gets pulled out of that account.  Period.  End of discussion.  Of course you'll still fight over whether they should play competitive basketball or join the ballet but at least there is money to pay for it.

Can't afford it?  Easy.  Don't have kids!

They should teach that to every kid in high school.  Mandatory class.  Make the kids think about whether or not they EVER want to be divorced and coparent.  I bet some would think twice!

Momma Bear

After the outpouring of support from my post yesterday, it's only fair that I expand and clarify a few things.  

I am surrounded by women that are mothers.  Really good, strong, independent, loving, nurturing mothers.  I feel my own was the best momma ever loving me unconditionally until the day she died.  She also possessed a strong maternal urge to protect her kids at all costs no matter what the consequences.

I have that trait.  I will go to battle any day, anytime for all of my kids.  And not just their physical safety - most often I worry most about their emotional stability.  I want them to walk with their heads high every single day on this earth knowing their mother would fight to the death to protect their integrity, character and souls.  And they do know.  All of my kids know this about me, most obviously Bubba and my daughter because they are the oldest.

I, like a lot of my mom friends, had (or have to) coparent with an ex.  That task in and of itself is not easy... again, if you can't stay married, coparenting won't be easy either.  But throw in another spouse (or 3 more in my ex's case) and it becomes a little overwhelming.  And not only the spouses, all the dates sprinkled in between that came home to meet the kids was just as awesome.

So faithful readers - I am sorry for my tirade yesterday.  I allowed 4th wife to get under my skin.  See, she has her own blog and although she doesn't even know me or Bubba (or his wife, or his son), she finds it necessary to blog about us on occasion.  And she lies.  Every single, solitary word on the page is incorrect.  It amazes me how blatantly wrong it is - not even close to a version of the truth.  But of course, she's perfect.  See, she lives her life with no drama, because she is just a victim that married the most perfect man on the planet that just so happens to have the most evil kids and ex's she's ever met.  She even claims to have a support group of other women that are victims to these natural, biological mothers and their evil kids.  Talk about hypocrisy - she herself has natural born children and is a biological mother but somehow she is perfect at that task as well. 

Oh... to the contrary.  If she was as perfect as she claims, she would understand a mother's need to protect her kids (if she did it to her own, that is - she IS a mother after all).  If she was perfect, she would understand how much you have to make up for the absent (or idiot) father of your kids (as she claims she has to all the time in her blogs).  If she was perfect, she would understand that 3 years of a marriage does not constitute understanding the intricacies of the past 22 years of family events~ births, deaths, marriages, divorces, etc.  But alas, she is not perfect.  None of us are. 

I was reminded by my beautiful, wonderful daughter in law that I do not have to defend our family.  I don't even need to defend myself because I live each day loving my children unconditionally and doing the right thing and they KNOW it.  I don't drag drama all over facebook, twitter and my blog.  Although today, I am.  Yep, I'm being the mature 40 year old that I am because I can - it's my blog.  See, I am the baby of the family!

So I deleted her stupid blog and I won't read the car wreck anymore that is their lives.  My intimate family life is as perfect as we make it - we have removed all the individuals (including family members) that stir up crap, hurt others intentionally and don't live the creed of loving unconditionally.  Sure it's sad from the outside that we don't have relationships with certain individuals but love by obligation is NOT something I have ever taught my children.  Just because his title is "father" does not mean that you have to engage in a relationship with him, particularly if he has proven time and again that he cannot be trusted.  Intentional hurt is never required, regardless of the title.

So thanks to all the beautiful women that called, text and emailed me yesterday.  It's all good, girls.  We will keep loving our children each day and not feel guilty about protecting them from harm... even if it is related.  That's our job, after all!  Guard those dens and keep out the vultures!

How NORMAL are you?!

Families are so complicated.  No matter what you see on the outside, most people have skeletons hanging in every closet of their house.  Mine of course is no exception!

If every woman married one man, had children with same said man and died married to same said man life would be fairly uncomplicated.  It is extremely difficult to find this type of arrangement beyond marriage licenses issued in 1955.

As a kid, I always thought my "core" family was totally normal (with exception to having a disabled sister).  I had one mom, one dad, gparents on both sides and siblings.  Normal, right?  Hmmm.  What I DIDN'T learn until I was about 11 years old is that BOTH of my Gparents had been divorced - one remarried SEVEN times!  YES, I SAID 7!  My Gma on Dads side came to live with us.  She didn't live w/Gpa?  Oh, I didn't know that.  She moved on to one of her other 7 kid's homes by the time I was 13 but along came same side Gpa.  Ugh.  I didn't even know him and found him totally irritating.  Unfortunately he died by the time I was 15 so I never really got the chance (he was our first generation Navy serviceman though - oh I wish I would have paid attention!)

FAV Gparent was Nana (mom's mom).  She ROCKED.  We were kindred spirits from the day I was born and I never lived closer than 2 hours from her my whole life.  I didn't even see her too terribly often but I loved that woman to my core.  She was married to my only Gpa (Papa Art) who I ever really knew and loved - one tank of a man. 

My world came into clear view of "dysfunction" when my parents split up after 37 years of marriage when I was 16.  Then my Gparents divorced.  WTH?  I thought the whole world was crumbling down.

So naive.  I had friends all around me who lived that their entire lives but I didn't get it at all until I went through it.

Today, I'm divorced (and remarried of course).  My son's bio dad has been married 4 times.  My brother - 3 times.  My friends have numerous marriages and divorces. It is the norm at this point.

I'm amazed with all this commotion how people want to try to be "normal" still.  It's NOT normal and it never will be.  Bio parents are responsible for their kids, period.  Steps can get in and work the system but ultimately don't have a say. 

Is it that easy?  What about the in-laws you accumulate along the way?

I think it is like anything else in life - if I like you, you like me and we want a relationship, then we will.  The rest doesn't matter.  I have a TREMENDOUS relationship with my "ex" sisters in law.  I will never, ever change that, no matter what.  And yes, of COURSE I love my current sister-in-law!  She should never, ever feel threatened that I love and maintain contact with the prior ones.  They are, of course, FAMILY.  Whether "ex" or not, we came together with a common denominator and it will always remain.  Even MY ex's sisters and I have good relations and talk and even if he does have 4th wife, I won't avoid them or run away.  It's not her call - it's mine and the other person.

I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on this one - message me if you don't want to comment publicly!  This topic creates such controversy but the reality is simple:  this is the NEW normal and we all have to figure out how to lose our insecurities and move forward.  I know it's a big task for some to strap on their big girl panties and suck it up, but life will be filled with disdain, drama and lost relationships if you don't figure it out.

Nightmare on Ex Street

Hubs and I joke all the time about what life will be like when the little guy turns 18 and we get divorced.  We even do it in front of people sometimes ~ forgetting that others really are divorced and trying to raise kids in that environment.  Those that know us well understand that we are passionate with one another and divorce is simply not now, nor ever will be, a way out of our marriage.  Hubs says he has more creative ways of getting rid of me (note to readers - if I show up missing, have them dig up the field behind my house!)

All kidding aside, we have "been there, done that" and wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Unfortunately I was married very young and subsequently divorced very young, which caused the much bigger nightmare of having to coparent with someone I didn't even want to speak to (and still don't... nah, I don't hold grudges or anything).  And a nightmare it was.  The kicker was that it's fairly clear now (hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20) that the ex was never even interested in being a father.

It is an extremely rare couple that can be married, have kids, get divorced and coparent.  Stating the obvious ~ if you can't work through your differences when you are married, how in the world will you compromise enough to coparent AFTER divorce?  I am very fortunate that my son is old enough that I will never have to see or speak to his bio dad again.  Bio dad did his own permanent damage to their relationship and my son learned the unfortunate lesson that not all people are good people, even those you may share DNA.  Thank god he's had Hubs since he was 3 to know true unconditional love ~ even better when it's someone you DON'T share DNA!

Looking around, I see a ton of divorced couples raising kids.  A VERY few of them have it right.  I'd say 1 out of 10 that I know.  I'm pretty shocked when I see it.  Perfect example:  my little guy has a friend whose parents are divorced.  He plays a sport with their son.  Every practice, I see his mom and dad sitting next to each other talking, laughing, smiling.  Cheering on their son.  They have consistently been doing this for the past two seasons.  It wasn't until half way through this season that I learned the two of them were not married to each other.  In fact, I learned the dad is remarried (and maybe has steps?)  What?!  How can that be?!  Where is everyone else?  How can they get along so well?

The obvious answer... they do it for their kids.  They care enough about them to show their kids how to respect each other.  They show a unilateral support system for their kids.  They don't care whose day it is, don't act angry the other one is there.  Quite frankly ~ it isn't about THEM.  It is ALL about their children and all of the rest of their own lives are unimportant compared to their first job of raising loved, cared for, well adjusted kids.  I admire them.  Their boys will totally understand when they are grown that their parents made the ultimate sacrifice for them... they supported one another through the parenting experience putting all of their own wishes aside.

For the vast majority of the rest of my fellow divorcee`s, it isn't working.  Whether remarried or not, they are fighting.  Fighting over whose weekend it is.  Fighting over who had the last holiday.  Fighting over who pays for what.  Fighting over past wounds, future spouses, kid's alliances and loyalties, new spouses, steps, halfs.  Involving everyone they come in contact with in the middle of their conflicts ~ the teachers, the old friends, the new relationships.  In a single word = nightmare.

What comes out of that?  Kids that are more "flexible, resilient, go with the flow".  That's what they will say.  I know, because that is exactly what I used to say.  Nope.  Try another description:  confused, distrusting, vulnerable.  I don't doubt marriages have MILLIONS of reasons to end, but I implore those considering divorce with kids to CHOOSE WISELY.  Parents will always say they will sacrifice for their kids, but if they really mean that they would fight tooth and nail to push everything aside and put the kids first.

And for my friends battling their exes that are already divorced?  One day, this too will end.  Eventually you will no longer have to go through all the crap.  Oh sure, you may have to be around them at your adult kid's life events.  Or maybe not ~ you could get lucky like me and never have to see them.  Either way, I pray you have the strength to push through and stay focused on the main task at hand.

Strip Search

A person to remain nameless is taking on a huge adventure.... a new job that will be awesomely fantastic with travel experiences and great advancement opportunities. 

So to get this job, the application is around 50,000 pages long.  And exhausting. And intimidating.  Basically... it's a strip search.

Who have you ever known in your entire life?  Write down their name, address (current and former) and date and city, state of where they were born.  Who in the hell can do that?

Wait, it gets better.  Name your family.  Your ENTIRE family.  This person has a very fragmented family. BPs (biological parents) are divorced and remarried (one of them twice, the other one we lost count).  Name all of your siblings, your steps (step sibs), your halfs (half sibs), your adopted sibs, your foster sibs.  Some of them are married?  Go ahead and name their spouses and their kids and their stepkids, half sibs.  Oh, and write down their dates of birth and where they were born too. 

How many jobs have you had?  Let's do an anal probe into that as well.  Where, when, how long, what did you like, what didn't you like, why aren't you there any longer?  If you left, do you regret you left?  What would have been your career path if you stayed? (I didn't know you could have a career path at Hi-Boy... guess food manager there or something).

Not to even mention some of the scary questions relating to the actual job that is being applied.

I've been volunteering my time to this person to be of assistance but find myself being utterly useless.

Moral of the story:  KISS.  Keep it simple stupid.  If you do that then you never have to worry about filling out a 50,000 job application.  That and pray your BPs take that same mantra and don't get married 700 times and have a jillion kids between them.  I thank god EVERYDAY that I don't have to deal with that crap in my life anymore!  I would kill myself if I had to coparent with my ex any longer.

(Just as a footer ~ I MIGHT have a bit of difficulty exaggerating sometimes.  In case you want cold hard facts:  the application was 27 pages long.  With two additional addenda.  Yep, almost 50,000.)