My Idiot Father

I talked with a friend last night in despair.  Once again, the bio dad of her kids hurt them yet again. 

This couple had an interesting story.  Last year they decided to split after 10+ years of marriage.  They even lived together during their separation "for the kids".  It was amazingly amiable - I was a bit torn at the time but they really did put the kids first in everything they did so it seemed to work great!  They even divorced very amicably so I really did think they would be one of the lucky ones to coparent.

Ah, how wrong I was.  Within 2 months of their divorce, bio dad remarried.  Yep - insert 3rd wife (he was married before my friend).  And what does she bring with her?  Three kids from 2 dads ~ although she doesn't have custody of any of them.  Hmmm, the issues mount.

Shocking that a few short months later, it's a nightmare.  Since he married 3rd wife, he no longer attends any of HIS kids events.  None of them.  Now it's important to note that he attended EVERYTHING before the 3rd wife came along.  He was a great dad!  But now since he needs to HATE the bio mom he can't go to anything because it's "uncomfortable" to be around her.  No, that's not step moms doing, of course not.  I'm sure she's perfect in every way.

So last night, their little guy had his preschool Christmas program.  He'd been practicing and was very excited for the event.  It was his DAD'S day.  I'm sure you can see how this unfolds.

Bio dad called my friend and asked if she could pick up the little guy and take him to his program.  Of course! was her response.  However, I'd like to pick up BOTH kids ~ the little guy gets drug to all of the older boy's events so this time the older son needs to support his little brother.  Nope, that's not what bio dad wants.  He wants to take older son 2 hours away to see stepmom's daughter's Christmas program.

Wait ~ what??  Our older son can't see his little brother's program but you want to take him to his new stepsister's program?  How does that work exactly?

End result - bio dad got mad and kept both kids.  And little guy missed his own Christmas program.  And they all drove 2 hours away to see the stepdaughter's program and arrived home I'm sure after 10 on a school night.

OH MY GOD.  And what point does this make sense??  It doesn't.

See ~ bio dad did not put his kids first.  He put his WIFE first.  Hence the reason you shouldn't remarry if you can't keep your shit prioritized.

I had to deal with this crap too for a long time.  My ex wouldn't come to my son's events if I was going to be there.  Whatever.  He's my kid, he came out of my vag and I don't care if the world is on FIRE you will not keep me from being a part of my child's life.  Pull up your big boy pants and get your ass to your kids events!  You think you hurt the bio mom when you put your head in the sand but it is ONLY the kiddos that take the hit.  My ex missed YEARS of baseball, basketball, football, school plays, etc. but would bow his neck when parent teacher conferences came around because he wanted to "be involved".  Nope, you're not.  If you can't show respect in his everyday life then you don't get to participate.  Period.  Your parental card has been revoked for improper parenting.

This bio dad will figure this out soon enough, too.  Eventually, these two boys won't want to go to his house.  And of course, my friend will be to blame for being an EVIL EX.  Wear it proud, sister - wear it proud!  Defend your kids to the end.  They know who loves them, supports them and is their biggest advocate.  And sad as it might be right now, they will be better off without the absent father and the 3rd wife - of course by then it may be the 4th wife....

The Price of Kids

I went to a holiday party last night and at the end of the night wound up visiting with a new friend.  As always, women gravitate eventually towards questions like "Do you have any kids?" and when faces start to shift, I always know what's coming.  My new friend stated "yes, I have three.  17, 15 and 9.  The first two boys are my step-kids" which was was clearly obvious, she looks to be about 27 herself.  So I just had to go there ~ "how's that working out for you?"  Yeah, it's not really, she replied.

Without prompting, she launched into a diatribe about the kids, the ex, her hubs and her own child (the 9 is hers, not a "theirs") and how difficult it is to maneuver through the crap.  Her ex is out of the picture, never sees her 9 year old daughter and hasn't since she was 3.  End result = perfect bliss.  The older boys are an entirely different story.

Her hubs ex actually told them she was going to need them to pay the down payment of her new house.  Yep, you read that right.  See, she is pregnant and only has a 3 bedroom house, so when the baby is born the two older boys will have to share a room.  The bio dad got mad and said that's not acceptable, they are 17 and 15 and won't have enough space.  Her solution?  I'll buy a new house, but you're paying the down payment since you are making us move.

Are you freakin' kidding me??  Best ever ~ HE DID IT!  Oh My God.  Serious bio dad guilt in play here.

So my new friend is stuck.  Of course she works full time, has a great job with a great income, and it pays the down payment of her hubs' ex's house.  I would shoot myself in that situation.

Not to mention all the other stuff that comes with teenage boys.  Boys are so different than girls in every single way.  They don't have the same type of drama, but they do have drama.  I'm lucky in that Bubba was actually a very cool teenager.  He rarely got into trouble but when he did he would take full responsibility along with his punishment fairly easily and didn't usually repeat the negative behaviour.  Sure he made some silly mistakes but all teenagers do!

I think one of the hardest things for people that have kids, steps and ex's to deal with is money.  It causes everyone to lose focus of the responsibility of raising the kids and making them come first.  Everyone seems to fight over child support, doctors bills, school clothes.. on and on and on.

My experience was easy.  Wrote court ordered child support in the decree.  Easy peasy.  He didn't pay the courts collected and not me.  I did attempt to get my ex to help with sports fees and other stuff but it was pretty much a useless conversation.  Ex's 2nd wife did an awesome job buying Bubba stuff he needed when he was with them so that was very helpful.  By the time Bubba went to private high school I foot the bill for all of it - it just wasn't worth the conversation any longer.  Pulling teeth, as I always said.  And by then, 2nd wife left and was collecting child support on their 3 daughters so there wasn't anything left to get anyway I'm sure.  Same for the wedding, didn't even bother to ask.

I wonder what would happen if money wasn't an issue?  If parents could just focus on being parents?  Hmm, novel concept.  But that will never happen. 

I have a GREAT idea:  there are a zillion calculators on the average cost of a child from birth to 18 with LOTS of different factors (salaries, housing, college, etc), but it's somewhere in the $250,000 range.  So just do the math ~ make it unemotional.  You divorce when you are kid is 12, you have 6 years to "pay".  That's roughly $83,333, or $41,667 per person (bio mom and dad).  Cold hard fact, not taking into consideration who makes more (because I don't care about that - it's equal responsibility in my eyes).  That's $6,945 a year or $578.71 per month.  BOTH bio mom and bio dad put $578.71 per month in a bank account for the kid - no matter what.  EVERYTHING the kid needs gets pulled out of that account.  Period.  End of discussion.  Of course you'll still fight over whether they should play competitive basketball or join the ballet but at least there is money to pay for it.

Can't afford it?  Easy.  Don't have kids!

They should teach that to every kid in high school.  Mandatory class.  Make the kids think about whether or not they EVER want to be divorced and coparent.  I bet some would think twice!

How NORMAL are you?!

Families are so complicated.  No matter what you see on the outside, most people have skeletons hanging in every closet of their house.  Mine of course is no exception!

If every woman married one man, had children with same said man and died married to same said man life would be fairly uncomplicated.  It is extremely difficult to find this type of arrangement beyond marriage licenses issued in 1955.

As a kid, I always thought my "core" family was totally normal (with exception to having a disabled sister).  I had one mom, one dad, gparents on both sides and siblings.  Normal, right?  Hmmm.  What I DIDN'T learn until I was about 11 years old is that BOTH of my Gparents had been divorced - one remarried SEVEN times!  YES, I SAID 7!  My Gma on Dads side came to live with us.  She didn't live w/Gpa?  Oh, I didn't know that.  She moved on to one of her other 7 kid's homes by the time I was 13 but along came same side Gpa.  Ugh.  I didn't even know him and found him totally irritating.  Unfortunately he died by the time I was 15 so I never really got the chance (he was our first generation Navy serviceman though - oh I wish I would have paid attention!)

FAV Gparent was Nana (mom's mom).  She ROCKED.  We were kindred spirits from the day I was born and I never lived closer than 2 hours from her my whole life.  I didn't even see her too terribly often but I loved that woman to my core.  She was married to my only Gpa (Papa Art) who I ever really knew and loved - one tank of a man. 

My world came into clear view of "dysfunction" when my parents split up after 37 years of marriage when I was 16.  Then my Gparents divorced.  WTH?  I thought the whole world was crumbling down.

So naive.  I had friends all around me who lived that their entire lives but I didn't get it at all until I went through it.

Today, I'm divorced (and remarried of course).  My son's bio dad has been married 4 times.  My brother - 3 times.  My friends have numerous marriages and divorces. It is the norm at this point.

I'm amazed with all this commotion how people want to try to be "normal" still.  It's NOT normal and it never will be.  Bio parents are responsible for their kids, period.  Steps can get in and work the system but ultimately don't have a say. 

Is it that easy?  What about the in-laws you accumulate along the way?

I think it is like anything else in life - if I like you, you like me and we want a relationship, then we will.  The rest doesn't matter.  I have a TREMENDOUS relationship with my "ex" sisters in law.  I will never, ever change that, no matter what.  And yes, of COURSE I love my current sister-in-law!  She should never, ever feel threatened that I love and maintain contact with the prior ones.  They are, of course, FAMILY.  Whether "ex" or not, we came together with a common denominator and it will always remain.  Even MY ex's sisters and I have good relations and talk and even if he does have 4th wife, I won't avoid them or run away.  It's not her call - it's mine and the other person.

I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on this one - message me if you don't want to comment publicly!  This topic creates such controversy but the reality is simple:  this is the NEW normal and we all have to figure out how to lose our insecurities and move forward.  I know it's a big task for some to strap on their big girl panties and suck it up, but life will be filled with disdain, drama and lost relationships if you don't figure it out.

Bloggin' Up the Steps

I love blogs.  I'm pretty much a blog whore.  I read any and all I can get my hands on to learn different perspectives and ideas.  And sometimes, I'm just nosy and wonder what other people are up to.

It astounds me what some people blog.  If this is the first time you are reading MY blog, you will find that I talk about myself, my friends and my family.  Mostly, I unearth my personal journey through life and my joys, mistakes and trials I experience.  I'm an extremely self aware girl so you find that I'm the first one to point out my vulnerabilities.

However, there are many people that spend ENDLESS amount of time writing about people they don't like or get along with.  It must be exhausting to walk around hating other people so much.  The ones that crack me up the most are the ones co-parenting with ex-spouses.  That's the best entertainment - it's like seeing a car accident... you just can't look away no matter how bad it is.  I find that I read these blogs almost religiously because I just can't seem to believe that someone would be so bold in writing to slam someone they KNOW reads their blog.  Hey, I'm the most non-confrontational person on the planet but I can only think one thing:  Grow some nads, people!  If you have an issue with someone and want to truly be a grown up, just get your crap out in person! 

Oh no - the new way of communication is slamming someone in a blog.  Hate emails.  Nightmare texting, twittering, facebooking, etc.  No verbal communication whatsoever.  Very grown up.

Now in defense of those doing this ~ it is often IMPOSSIBLE to co-parent.  If you were married and got divorced, you obviously had a reason to divorce. Someone was the dumper and someone was the dumpee.  And usually, the dumpee gets vengeful and starts throwing darts at your eyes.  I should know I was the dumper once.  Oddly enough, if you can't be married you most likely won't coparent very well either.  Oh you might have moments when everyone tries to get along but once remarriage starts it becomes impossible.  Bio moms HATE stepmoms, bio dad's feel threatened by stepdads.  In the end, biological parents want their kids to love them and only them as the PARENTS of the kids.  Ugh, if only it were that easy.

My experience actually turned the other way.  I am grateful every day for the stepmom of my son.  Oh, it wasn't always that easy.  Both Bubba's bio dad and I were remarried by the time he was 3 years old and we were still in major WWIII mode.  Everytime we had to exchange Bubba we screamed unmercifully at each other.  Nightmare that totally justified my decision to divorce him everytime I saw him.  But by the time Bubba turned 6 and bio dad and stepmom had their first daughter, we were in a groove.  Granted, we still spat sometimes about scheduling which seemed to be the primary problem. 

The moment it all changed was middle school.  7th grade registration, to be precise.  By then, bio dad had missed about 5 years of activities.  Just never came to anything, totally absent because it was "on my time".  What a cop out.  "Grow up and drag your ass to your kid's events" was my constant statement.  But on this special day, stepmom came to registration with me.  Not bio dad, just stepmom.  And we did it together.  From that day on, we coparented Bubba together and removed bio dad.  It was the best decision that I'm sure neither of us self consciously did but it worked perfectly.

To this day, Bubba has a fantastic relationship with his stepmom (and she with him).  She and her P's (his grandparents) are very close and see each other at every holiday and major event.  I can't imagine her not being a part of his life forever.  She nursed his boo boos, wiped his tears when his dad disappointed him and loved him unconditionally - a dream that every parent has for their kids.  I know I didn't always respect her the way I should have and to that I have publically owned it and apologized to her a zillion times. 

Bubba doesn't see his bio dad which should come to no surprise to anyone that really knows us.  He was never there for his son as a child so we certainly wouldn't assume he would be as an adult.  He is too consumed in his own current drama to even notice that he has no relationship with him.  Shocker - it's always been that way.  But what a HUGE advantage for the rest of us to live and love each other without his crap getting in the way!

So for all those steps getting slammed in blogs everyday, I say THANKS to mine that was and is a savior in my opinion.  Unfortunately for her she still has to coparent with Bub's bio dad (they had three children together over their 12 year marriage) so she has to live in a constant nightmare with the 4th wife (yep, there was one in between).  I don't envy her at all - I would literally move out of the country if I had to even attempt this venture.  Or call the Italians, whichever worked best (hubs knows a couple or tree...) < Inside joke>

It's Official!

I've been anxiously awaiting disclosing some news in our family until all of the pieces were finalized so now... IT'S OFFICIAL!

Bubba, my oldest, has enlisted in the United States Navy.  Whew.  Just typing that makes my heart race.  It's such a huge deal.

He isn't the first in the family to consider this action.  He comes from a long line of Navy servicemen:  my grandfather, my dad and both of my brothers precede him.  None of my family members made it their career; however my oldest sib probably would have.  Another blog.

Hindsight always being 20/20, this has probably been a logical choice for Bubba for as long as I can remember.  When he was a young boy, the most influential person (other than Hubs) to him was a man we met his 5th grade year of Pop Warner football.  Oooh, I DISLIKED that man very, very much.  He was a "screamer".  Borderline degrading, he spent a lot of time picking on the kids (mom's perception).  He was constantly in the earhole of their helmets telling them to get off their a$$es and work harder!  I did not like it ~ how could you yell at 11 year olds like that?  His own son was afraid of him!

But to Bubba, he was the best coach he ever had (and he had A LOT... very athletic).  He really responded well to that drive and determination.  He would even laugh when coach got a little mouthy... wasn't intimidated at ALL by this man.  See, I should have known then what I know now. 

Obviously, with Bubba married with little nugget it makes this journey a little more complicated than had he gone right when he graduated.  But he had his own difficult things to learn first.  He had worked for years to get the attention of his bio dad, making choices and decisions he thought would make him proud.  In the end, he learned some relationships are just not meant to be and once he understood that he freed himself to become the man he was destined to become.

I am overwhelmed with pride, excitement, happiness and gratitude to my son for taking this important step.  I am also nervous, anxious, scared and intimidated about the journey.  And of course, I love my perfect daughter and little nugget and want them to be happy, adjusted and content as well.

It will be an amazing few years for our family.  He won't be leaving right away for bootcamp so we have some time to adjust to it all.  The USN works very diligently with married recruits to help accommodate the family (at least thus far).  That is so critical to all of us.

Onward, Future Sailor Cunningham!  I love you so incredibly much!!

Nightmare on Ex Street

Hubs and I joke all the time about what life will be like when the little guy turns 18 and we get divorced.  We even do it in front of people sometimes ~ forgetting that others really are divorced and trying to raise kids in that environment.  Those that know us well understand that we are passionate with one another and divorce is simply not now, nor ever will be, a way out of our marriage.  Hubs says he has more creative ways of getting rid of me (note to readers - if I show up missing, have them dig up the field behind my house!)

All kidding aside, we have "been there, done that" and wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Unfortunately I was married very young and subsequently divorced very young, which caused the much bigger nightmare of having to coparent with someone I didn't even want to speak to (and still don't... nah, I don't hold grudges or anything).  And a nightmare it was.  The kicker was that it's fairly clear now (hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20) that the ex was never even interested in being a father.

It is an extremely rare couple that can be married, have kids, get divorced and coparent.  Stating the obvious ~ if you can't work through your differences when you are married, how in the world will you compromise enough to coparent AFTER divorce?  I am very fortunate that my son is old enough that I will never have to see or speak to his bio dad again.  Bio dad did his own permanent damage to their relationship and my son learned the unfortunate lesson that not all people are good people, even those you may share DNA.  Thank god he's had Hubs since he was 3 to know true unconditional love ~ even better when it's someone you DON'T share DNA!

Looking around, I see a ton of divorced couples raising kids.  A VERY few of them have it right.  I'd say 1 out of 10 that I know.  I'm pretty shocked when I see it.  Perfect example:  my little guy has a friend whose parents are divorced.  He plays a sport with their son.  Every practice, I see his mom and dad sitting next to each other talking, laughing, smiling.  Cheering on their son.  They have consistently been doing this for the past two seasons.  It wasn't until half way through this season that I learned the two of them were not married to each other.  In fact, I learned the dad is remarried (and maybe has steps?)  What?!  How can that be?!  Where is everyone else?  How can they get along so well?

The obvious answer... they do it for their kids.  They care enough about them to show their kids how to respect each other.  They show a unilateral support system for their kids.  They don't care whose day it is, don't act angry the other one is there.  Quite frankly ~ it isn't about THEM.  It is ALL about their children and all of the rest of their own lives are unimportant compared to their first job of raising loved, cared for, well adjusted kids.  I admire them.  Their boys will totally understand when they are grown that their parents made the ultimate sacrifice for them... they supported one another through the parenting experience putting all of their own wishes aside.

For the vast majority of the rest of my fellow divorcee`s, it isn't working.  Whether remarried or not, they are fighting.  Fighting over whose weekend it is.  Fighting over who had the last holiday.  Fighting over who pays for what.  Fighting over past wounds, future spouses, kid's alliances and loyalties, new spouses, steps, halfs.  Involving everyone they come in contact with in the middle of their conflicts ~ the teachers, the old friends, the new relationships.  In a single word = nightmare.

What comes out of that?  Kids that are more "flexible, resilient, go with the flow".  That's what they will say.  I know, because that is exactly what I used to say.  Nope.  Try another description:  confused, distrusting, vulnerable.  I don't doubt marriages have MILLIONS of reasons to end, but I implore those considering divorce with kids to CHOOSE WISELY.  Parents will always say they will sacrifice for their kids, but if they really mean that they would fight tooth and nail to push everything aside and put the kids first.

And for my friends battling their exes that are already divorced?  One day, this too will end.  Eventually you will no longer have to go through all the crap.  Oh sure, you may have to be around them at your adult kid's life events.  Or maybe not ~ you could get lucky like me and never have to see them.  Either way, I pray you have the strength to push through and stay focused on the main task at hand.