My Big Mouth

They say when you decide you want to run a marathon, the first step you should take is telling everyone once you sign up.  The accountability factor, I suppose.  The personal dedication and integrity of your word, possibly.  In short ~ once you sign up, you gotta do what you say you're gonna do.

I love to write.  I write everywhere I can.  Not only because I have an opinion but I absolutely love the feedback I get (good and bad) when I voice something.  Especially something I'm passionate about.

So here it is.  I'm going to combine the two.  I'm going to start to write. 

Of course I will still blog here, but I'm going to head out on that tiny limb and really start to write.  And I have a lot to say.

Even though this is my blog and I can say whatever I feel, I still temper it quite a bit.  I do know people that read it from time to time that my opinions may hurt their feelings.  And as independent as I am, I'm not really that mean.  Well, sort of.

My biggest passion as all of you know is my kids.  I have sacrificed everything else for them (and continue to do so).  I miss some of my own things because my kids have stuff going on.  I won't even address the financial implications of kiddos.  But I love them totally unconditionally, all three of them, and they totally get that.

I cannot sit back any longer and keep my mouth shut about the atrocities I see around me towards biological mothers and coparenting.  It troubles me so much that I awake in the night by it sometimes.  It's CRAZY that there are a zillion kids being raised in threatening, bullied, selfish situations ~ ones that the bio moms cannot control.  They have to sit back helplessly and watch it unfold for their children.  I can relate with my own experiences coparenting after divorce and I will most certainly be using my own anecdotes.  Oh, I have a LOT to talk about on that front.  Sure, I'll change the names to protect the innocent... if it makes them feel better that way.  

There a zillion blogs, books and the like about how awful it is for step mother's to come into a marriage and have to deal with the biological mother of their spouse's kids, but nothing seems to point out how impossible it is for a mother to sit back and watch her kids be bullied, treated unfairly and subjected to crazy ass step mothers simply because the father cannot be alone and/or choose wisely... and clearly NOT put their children first.

I'm putting the children first and putting my voice on paper.

The greatest news?  There are a few small publishing firms that I'm certain will help me!  And of course SO many online tools to distribute my words as well.  So off I go.  We shall see.  May take years, but the word is finally going to get out.

As it should.

BTW - I will be setting up a forum for moms in this situation to comment, provide their stories and feedback and personal anecdotes of their own shortly.  It will be confidential and only for my eyes so I am hopeful you will continue to share your stories with me.  Nothing is ever insignificant in this process!

Happy Thursday, friends!

Jen

Step off, Steps!

Time for a controversial post.  Haven't had one of those in a super long time, so I'm dusting off my opinions to smack them down on you again.  Sorry readers - sometimes I just can't keep my trap shut.  At least I own my actions and words (as I'm hiding behind my computer screen...)

Seriously though... I just have to know the alternate side to my opinions.  I yearn to hear differing opinions.  It helps me learn just how crazy other's points of view and teaches me objectivity.  And if any of you know me, you know I want to be right so I better learn my objectors!  So I beg of you - if you have a different opinion or would like to "enlighten" me, give it a shot.  I'll try to listen.  Really, I will.

A good friend of mine is still struggling with her ex in coparenting their children.  Their kids are being affected, no doubt.  They are both angry with each other for certain reasons.  They are still working out communication efforts and the like.  The oldest is yearning for his father's attention.  The youngest acts out sometimes unprovoked.  The kids have been to therapy.  The mom (my friend) has asked for help from friends and loved ones.  But no matter what she does, no matter what the kids do, no matter what anyone's needs are, the simple fact is that the dad remarried immediately after their divorce and his wife doesn't like his ex (my friend).  That's the bottom line.  To the new wife (3rd, in case you were wondering), his ex-wife is just in the way.  As a matter of fact, the kids are, too.  She just wants to be married to him with no interruptions.  No other commitments.  No baggage.

Mind you she has her own children, too - of which she does not have physical custody of either of them by either of their fathers.  Yep, probably her 3rd marriage, too.  Not that there is anything wrong with that - some people are slow learners and need three tries.  But some are just... well...

I wish he would just grow up and see what he is doing to their kids.  But instead, he has caved.  It's SO much easier to just cave.  Because if he wants to see his kids, he has to fight his new wife.  If he wants or needs to talk to his ex about the kids, he has to fight his new wife.  If he wants to see his kids activities (where - oh my god - the ex might be!), he has to fight his new wife.  He really can't win ever, because the new wife will never let him.

See a pattern here?

So he takes the easy path.  He stops.  Stops participating.  Stops asking questions.  Stops taking the kids on his days.  Just stops.  Ah, so much better.  The 3rd wife has stopped bitching.

Now what?  It's all quiet on the battlefield... no arguing with ex, right?  Nope... that's where he makes his grave mistake.  Because he was so focused on his 3rd wife's feelings, he has completely overlooked his children's feelings.  Guess who is cleaning that up?  Hate her all you want, stepmoms reading this.  But bio mom is the one that tucks those kids in bed and apologizes (or tries to) to them for daddy not being there.  She's the one attempting to defend his honor and integrity to the kids (and believe me, she hates him... but she does it anyway) knowing any shred of relationship they have left will most likely be her words and encouragement.  Sure, she could throw him under the bus.  She could tell the kids he's a piece of crap.  And I'm sure eventually, if he keeps on this path of destruction with the kids hearts, she will tell them he's a piece of crap.  Because it's all she will have left to help them understand he will never change and get any better.  And she is battling him, nonstop.  She is trying to get him to pull his head out of his ass.  She is trying to show him what is going to happen in the future if he keeps this up.  So she is a big 'ole bitch - because she has to be. 

So that's better for the kids, right?  Just avoid the ex, avoid the kids and appease the new wife?

I just can't get this through my thick head.  I remarried once in my life.  I had a 3 year old son.  I told (and showed) my husband how much my son meant to me.  THE ENTIRE WORLD.  I made it quite clear that his needs came first, and my hubs totally and unequivocally understood this fact.  He never, ever, ever tried to get in the middle of any conversation, email, verbal discussion or meeting with my ex over my son's needs.  We didn't have to go to group therapy to figure out how to coparent together.  My husband gave me room to coparent with my ex.

And I'm sure he swallowed HARD - a lot!  Oh, he sure caught the brunt of all of my frustrations with my ex when he didn't do what he said he was going to do, or didn't support our son in his activities.    Yep, he kept his mouth shut and let me rant and rave, knowing full well that it was my responsibility to navigate this mess I put myself in.  He silently supported me in my efforts to raise my son and loved him (and me) unconditionally. 

My heart aches for my friend.  She is in a no-win situation.  She is watching the clock tick on all the opportunities the kid's dad has to be involved and yet he keeps abstaining to appease his wife.  And he seemingly doesn't care, so she thinks.

I try to remind her that unless he is completely soul-less, he will care.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but someday, when he's old and the 3rd wife has long moved out and he is sitting alone in his house with no relationship with his kids, he will care.  Maybe pity himself... but nonetheless it will sting. His decisions will cause remorse.  She may never see them, but he will feel them.  I guarantee it.  Every large life event that the kids have that he misses will put 25 more feet of distance emotionally between him and them.  And eventually, they will no longer see or speak to him.  And their pain will subside because they will grow to learn that it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with his own decisions.

New wife wins.  I guess that's what she's in this for to begin with.

Stay strong, bio moms.  You are doing a great job loving your kids.  Remember it's not your job to defend your ex's actions to your kiddos.  Unfortunately, let them feel the pain.  It will make them stronger.  Just hug and love them through it and show them YOU are their constant in life.

And if by some strange stroke of luck I do have any men readers, please know this.  Although my examples are pretty gender biased most times, I do realize there are really fantastic fathers and really crappy bio mom's, too.  I see dad's raising their kids alone and loving them through their mother nightmares.  I also realize there are some fantastic stepmothers and without them, kiddos  would be in a world of hurt.  Remember, Bubba has a stepmom and she is FANTASTIC!  I'm not sure how things would have been for my son had he not had her to love and unconditionally care for him when he did see his father.  I pray for her all the time having to raise her three children with my ex and his 4th wife.  Nightmares all around... she's in the same boat as my friend above.  Of course she's crazy though, it's all her fault.  Isn't it always when the new wife moves in?  Keep talking, pot.

It always comes back, regardless of gender, to loving your kids unconditionally and putting their needs first and not your own.  Unselfish parenting.

And so a new book idea arises....

Jen

Selfish, much?

And the drama continues.

After months of non-communication, blocked phones and snide comments, my friend's ex has given up.  It's a blessing, really for her and the kids.  But the disappointment that will soon follow is such a hard burden to bear.

They divorced at the beginning of 2011 and within 2 months, he remarried.  Even though it was a total amiable divorce, they vowed to be the best friends and parents they could be (even used one attorney!) and wrote the most awesome shared parenting plan known to man.  I guess the remarriage wasn't part of the parenting plan.  Oh, and now he and his new wife of 10 months are expecting.  Awesome.

I swear I just don't get it.  How does a man (or woman for that matter) just turn their head on their kids and choose the new wife over them?  I understand some men can't stand to be alone but come on people!  That's taking it a bit to far in my opinion.  How selfish do you have to be to put your own needs in front of your kid's needs?

Hubs and I have said time and time again - if for some reason we were to divorce there is no WAY either of us would introduce another person to little guy.  No way.  It just isn't fair to up heave his life for our own needs and wants.  Crap, Missouri shares custody 50/50 - if you can't have a few dates when you don't have your kids and put them first when you do have them you are an even more selfish ass!

My heart hurts today for her boys, in particular the 10 year old.  He will understand this.  Kids are not stupid.  When his dad gives up time with him, doesn't show up to his events (which he is already doing) and puts his new wife and stepkids in front of his own, they will get it.  In evokes one simple feeling:  abandonment.  It will carry with them throughout their life.  And my friend can be the very best mother in the whole entire world but she will never be able to make up for the loss the boys will eventually feel.  

I have first hand knowledge of this.  No, I've never been a stepmom.  Thank god.  I can't imagine trying to assist in raising another woman's children.  I'll tell you one thing - if I did I would go over the top with respect for her as a mother regardless of what my new husband felt about her.  That's easy separation of church and state - keep the past relationship out of the future parenting.  My dad left my mom after 37 years of marriage when I was a teenager and within a very short time, he remarried.  He had made it clear that the reason he could leave my mom at the time was that his kids were grown (uh hem... what about me?)  He married a woman with guess what.... kids.  They are around the ages of me and my sibs so no little ones obviously;.  He immediately started a great relationship with them... and discarded me.  At least that is how I felt.  And I was old enough to know better, so how do you think little kids understand this?

Special thoughts for my friend today.  I've got your back, sister.  Be the best mom you can be, hold your head up high and it will be okay.  Tell your boys that they have valid, real emotions ~ don't make them be happy with their dad when they aren't.  I used to defend Bubba's dad when he was little and didn't show up to stuff - "it's okay, buddy... he had to work late.  He'll be at the next one."  For many years I tried to do that.  When I stopped defending him, it was liberating.  It's was the truth.  It was easier to just tell him the truth instead of lie.  I just loved him through the disappointment the best I could.

My Idiot Father

I talked with a friend last night in despair.  Once again, the bio dad of her kids hurt them yet again. 

This couple had an interesting story.  Last year they decided to split after 10+ years of marriage.  They even lived together during their separation "for the kids".  It was amazingly amiable - I was a bit torn at the time but they really did put the kids first in everything they did so it seemed to work great!  They even divorced very amicably so I really did think they would be one of the lucky ones to coparent.

Ah, how wrong I was.  Within 2 months of their divorce, bio dad remarried.  Yep - insert 3rd wife (he was married before my friend).  And what does she bring with her?  Three kids from 2 dads ~ although she doesn't have custody of any of them.  Hmmm, the issues mount.

Shocking that a few short months later, it's a nightmare.  Since he married 3rd wife, he no longer attends any of HIS kids events.  None of them.  Now it's important to note that he attended EVERYTHING before the 3rd wife came along.  He was a great dad!  But now since he needs to HATE the bio mom he can't go to anything because it's "uncomfortable" to be around her.  No, that's not step moms doing, of course not.  I'm sure she's perfect in every way.

So last night, their little guy had his preschool Christmas program.  He'd been practicing and was very excited for the event.  It was his DAD'S day.  I'm sure you can see how this unfolds.

Bio dad called my friend and asked if she could pick up the little guy and take him to his program.  Of course! was her response.  However, I'd like to pick up BOTH kids ~ the little guy gets drug to all of the older boy's events so this time the older son needs to support his little brother.  Nope, that's not what bio dad wants.  He wants to take older son 2 hours away to see stepmom's daughter's Christmas program.

Wait ~ what??  Our older son can't see his little brother's program but you want to take him to his new stepsister's program?  How does that work exactly?

End result - bio dad got mad and kept both kids.  And little guy missed his own Christmas program.  And they all drove 2 hours away to see the stepdaughter's program and arrived home I'm sure after 10 on a school night.

OH MY GOD.  And what point does this make sense??  It doesn't.

See ~ bio dad did not put his kids first.  He put his WIFE first.  Hence the reason you shouldn't remarry if you can't keep your shit prioritized.

I had to deal with this crap too for a long time.  My ex wouldn't come to my son's events if I was going to be there.  Whatever.  He's my kid, he came out of my vag and I don't care if the world is on FIRE you will not keep me from being a part of my child's life.  Pull up your big boy pants and get your ass to your kids events!  You think you hurt the bio mom when you put your head in the sand but it is ONLY the kiddos that take the hit.  My ex missed YEARS of baseball, basketball, football, school plays, etc. but would bow his neck when parent teacher conferences came around because he wanted to "be involved".  Nope, you're not.  If you can't show respect in his everyday life then you don't get to participate.  Period.  Your parental card has been revoked for improper parenting.

This bio dad will figure this out soon enough, too.  Eventually, these two boys won't want to go to his house.  And of course, my friend will be to blame for being an EVIL EX.  Wear it proud, sister - wear it proud!  Defend your kids to the end.  They know who loves them, supports them and is their biggest advocate.  And sad as it might be right now, they will be better off without the absent father and the 3rd wife - of course by then it may be the 4th wife....