2 Tickets to the Gun Show

Last night, we had a celebratory dinner for Sassy's birthday.  While nugget and little guy settled down to watch Despicable Me, the four of us had one of our chats in the kitchen.  We have a lot of those.  Fun, easy going, filled with laughter.

Bubba came straight from work to dinner so he was wearing a short sleeved shirt.  I haven't seen his arms in awhile - when it gets cold he typically covers his arms.  I couldn't help but notice his giant, bulging biceps.  I just had to ask him what was going on.

The kids have implemented a no cussing zone in their home.  Now that nugget is repeating words, it's important that he doesn't spout out the wrong kind.  The traditional "drop a quarter in a can" effort won't work either... who walks around with that much change?  So Sassy came up with a new reminder to keep their words clean.... punishment exercises.

For Bubba, it's 5 full, clean push-ups.  All the way to the ground, all the way back up.  For Sassy, it's full, complete sit ups.  My abs hurt just thinking about this.

So basically Bub is up to around 80 push ups a day.  And man, it SHOWS.  Not only his biceps and triceps, but he has these KNOTS on his arms.  At the elbow, on his forearm.  Yikes!  I had to actually ask if he had a tumor in his arm!  He is CUT!!  Hubs actually asked him if he had a new tat on his arm - because it's BIGGER than he recognized!

As he hugged me goodnight, I reflected on the sweet, chubby little boy I had just 10 years ago.  Now standing in front of me is a man, a father, a husband and a sailor.  So cliche' but true - time truly does fly.  

I'll tell you one thing ~ if I ever get into a bar fight I know who I want in my corner!

Pump You Up

I love my gym.  It's a lot like me, quite frankly.  It's old, a little rough around the edges and sometimes in need of repair.  It's not a fancy brand name gym with high tech equipment either.  Nope, just a simple little hometown gym.

Nonetheless, we have the same gym rats that exist in every other gym in America.  And no, that's not meant to be derogatory - that's a real term for people that spend all their time at the gym!

Before you get defensive (if you happen to be a gym rat or married to a gym rat), these people obviously are the epitome of health.  They work very, very hard to tone their bodies to their maximum capacity.  I'm truly envious of the health they endow.  But you have to admit they are a bit.... interesting.

Hubs has been hitting the gym very early every morning.  He typically arrives back home just in time to witness me blogging (yep, it really is me - not a ghost blogger!)  And almost every day,. I get a new gym rat story.  Then roll on the floor hysterically for 15 minutes.

I think the best happens to be Mr.Studbucket - ponytail guy, zillion tats, bulging muscles everywhere like hung livestock.  Dons his gloves for weight lifting but leans on a cardio machine trying to pick up the cutest girl in there.  Never witness a weight lifted.  Hmmm.

Or there is Mr. Rude Ass- older man who is seemingly fit that appears nice until he climbs on the cardio machine next to you and ignores the fact you have earbuds in.  He talks, talks, talks to you until you are forced to take one out and respond to him, hoping desperately he will stop.  Which he doesn't.  Therefore ruining your ability to get a groove on while listening to your fav tunes.

My personal fav is Mr. Creepaholic - the guy that jumps on the cardio machine next to you obviously just to gawk at you during your entire workout.  At first I thought this guy thought I was cute or something.  I was wrong.  He is just a weirdo stalker that wants to watch how you program your machine.  Take a picture, dude... there are limits to how long you can look my direction.

Alas, I can't leave out Ms. HotAss.  Oh come on my cute friends, when you've got it you know it!  Bending all over the gym like Gumby, this girl catches everyone's attention - guys and girls.  I think us ladies are just amazed, jealous and envious that a body could look that great while we sweat buckets to try to lose 5 lbs.  But men - ah, they are mesmerized.  Oh by the way - thanks for wearing those tight fitting pants.  Or shorty shorts.  Just reminds our guys as to what they don't have at home.  But you do offer them a million hours in the spank bank, so thanks!

But without all these characters, our gym would just be us old, out of shape fatties trying to fit into the jeans in our closets.  They add a special touch to an already sometimes questionable establishment.  

One of my friends refers to my gym as the "Strep Establishment".  He tried to convince me that every time he goes to the gym he gets strep throat.  I've never gotten strep throat but did get an awesome planters wart while training last year.  Hmmm.. maybe he's onto something?

If you have 3 minutes you HAVE to watch this link - I rolled remembering their skit!  SNL was awesome in the 80s!!

Saturday Night Live - Pumping Up with Hans and Franz - Video - http://www.nbc.com

Up in the Clouds

I love moments with my momma.  When you lose someone really close to you, those moments become the most treasured part of your memories.  Of course since she's my momma I have a zillion of them.

This morning as I poured my coffee and reached for the milk, I could hear her tell Bubba "don't forget to put clouds in my coffee!"  She was a big coffee drinker (or milk drinker with coffee in it, really) and Bubba loved to go refill her cup when it was empty when he was a kid.

She loved children.  She lived her entire life for others, which I can't say about to many people I know either past or present.  She ran a daycare in her home and worked I bet a total of 4 years for FREE.  A lot of single mom's with either no dads or deadbeats, if they came to pick up their kiddos on Friday and couldn't pay the bill she kissed them and told them to have a good weekend.  Unbelievable.  That would never happen anywhere else.

She was selfless.  Give you the shirt off her back kind of selfless.

A lot of people took advantage of my mom.  As a teen I would get so mad ~ so much so I would yell at her and say mean things like "why can't you stick up for yourself?  why would you let someone walk on you?"  I thought at the time she needed to be "modernized" - women had a lot of control and power in the world and I wanted her to see that just because she was raised in the 50's didn't mean she had to be a doormat.

Ah, what I didn't know then.  Young minds.

She lived a very intentional life.  No, I don't mean she choose to have a disabled daughter or to be divorced... but her everyday actions were filled with good intentions.  Sure, she made a lot of mistakes.  That's the beauty of being human.  But she did a lot of good things, too.

I wish my mom were here to see my family... most importantly, I wish she could have met my sassy daughter.  She would have LOVED her to the core.  Sometimes, in a lot of ways, I see my momma in my daughter.  Funny, sassy, opinionated.  A great mother.  I'm in awe all the time about what an amazing mother my daughter is to my grandson.  She certainly doesn't have a lack of animal instincts ~ she would fight to the death for that boy.  And not just his physical being - his emotional soul.  She wants him to truly be happy and puts him first every single day.  But the ease in which she protects him as if she were born to do so just amazes me.  And it's not just my grandson - she protects and loves my son more than I could have ever hoped and prayed.  She loves him to his core - flaws and all - and will fight to the death to protect him as well.

I'm a lucky woman.  I don't consider myself half of the momma that my mother was to me but I know that my children love me to the core.  I don't fight with my children.  I don't yell at my children.  I don't call them names, belittle or manipulate them.  I just love them - and they love me.

Off to put more clouds in my coffee.

Update this Status

I took typing in school.  HIGH SCHOOL.  I'm pretty sure we didn't have computers but suffice it to say if we did, I certainly didn't have one at home.  I remember my mom paying $250 for our first VCR.  We didn't subscribe to Time Warner Cable until I was in high school.  Yep, definitely not the leaders in technology in my house.

The generation behind me (I honestly don't even know what they are called - Bubba is the Y generation I think?  Who the hell knows) is absolutely tech crazed.  Kids want and have cell phones as young as Kindergarten.  They have computers or tablets of their own by 3rd grade.  And because they are given all this technology - they want (Duh, duh, duh......) facebook.  Our house is no different.

When Bubba was in 7th grade, he asked hubs and I for a social media account.  Xanga.  What is that?  He begged and begged - we had just purchased our first computer (first I'd ever owned by the way at age 30) and he was desperate to get this account.  I took a look at the general scope of it and agreed with a few parameters.  What do I need to worry about... he's a boy, right?  He'll say some funny things and then never look at it again.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.  A few months later when I hacked into his site realizing after a Dr. Phil episode that I was supposed to be monitoring him (parent of the year), I about died.  Nah, he wasn't saying anything rude or inappropriate.  It was his info that killed me.  He had put every single item about himself online - his full name, our address, his school... everything.  I confronted him immediately and threatened to tear down the site if he didn't fix it.  He couldn't understand.  I told him the unfortunate truth about predators.  He still couldn't understand.  "Mom, sexual predators don't target 12 year old boys".  That same year, Shawn Hornbeck was abducted by a man and kept for YEARS being sexual assaulted.  Down came the Xanga account.

After that, Bubba wasn't really interested in social media.  To this day he pretty much despises it.  And I totally get why.

Little guy now wants a facebook account.  I even did a little quiz on my own facebook page asking my friends when it is acceptable to let your kids have a page.  The answers were awesome.  Overwhelmingly, it basically not until they are an adult.

Today, tweens and teens use facebook totally inappropriately.  They don't use it to chat with their friends, pass along fashion ideas and proclaim their love for their lives.  Oh contrare.  They use it to be mean.  They bully on it.  They throw up tantrums, sarcasm and barbs at others.  They drone on and on about the throws of their angst ridden lives (in suburbia, no doubt).  Public humiliation if you ask me.

My nieces might get mad at me for these comments but I don't think they are old enough to be on here either.  I'm non-discriminatory about my feelings on this issue... sorry girls!  Auntie loves you!

So little guy is just going to have to wait.  I'm totally not ready for him to throw up all of his personal information or feelings on a social media site.  It's so not necessary.  If he has something he needs to share with a friend, he can pick up our LAND LINE telephone and call them.  Oh my god, send in the troops.  I'm so old school I should be taken away.

To my friends that have kids on there - please, please monitor what your kids are doing.  Be their PARENTS, not their "friends".  Try to get them to understand it's unacceptable to over share everything to this world of strangers.  My parents told me to keep my home life private when I was a kid... is there anything wrong with that theory?  Even though tweens and teens think they are grown ups, they certainly are not.  Most of them are unable to cope with their own emotional and physical maturity so they certainly don't need a social media in which to divulge their secrets.  When they are grown ups, they can say and do every little thing they want.... even blog 'til their hearts are content!  

My Apologies

My dearest, durable, beautiful 40 year old body,

I sincerely apologize for neglecting you the last few months.  I am certain you have intentionally retaliated against me for abusing, overusing, overeating and under appreciating you.  For that, I am regretfully sorry.

For this new year, I promise you the following:

1.  I promise not to take for granted the strength you give me in my legs to walk, run, jump and dance.  I understand how lucky I am to be mobile when many in the world are not.

2.  I promise to appreciate the lungs you provide me to breathe deeply and calmly in times of exercise and in times of rest.  I understand how lucky I am to be able to breathe with a family filled with chronic pulmonary disease.

3.  I promise to fill you with the proper fuel you need to function daily in your optimum capacity.  I will restrain from eating crap that has no value to help you operate properly.

4.  I promise to drink the proper amount of fluid to help you stay hydrated through not only strenuous activity but throughout each day.

5.  I promise to cut down in the amount of alcohol I put in you with expectations you will remain normal.  I recognize moderation is important to you.

6.  I promise to exercise daily to help you gain strength, mobility and flexibility.

With these things, I expect a few things from you as well.  Please understand the following demands:

1.  I expect with my hard work, you will eliminate the additional fat I packed on you. 

2.  I expect with my dedication that you will lose not only inches but weight from the dreaded scale on which I step.

3.  I expect with my dedication that you will respond gently to the additional pain I will put you through to achieve our goals.

4.  I expect with my dedication you will keep me healthy and avoid future illnesses or injury.

Please know these items are non-negotiable.

Yours truly,

Jen D

P.S.  If you will please try this time to help me with those stingy "problem areas", I would greatly appreciate it!  At least give me a hint how to remove the damn things!

Selfish, much?

And the drama continues.

After months of non-communication, blocked phones and snide comments, my friend's ex has given up.  It's a blessing, really for her and the kids.  But the disappointment that will soon follow is such a hard burden to bear.

They divorced at the beginning of 2011 and within 2 months, he remarried.  Even though it was a total amiable divorce, they vowed to be the best friends and parents they could be (even used one attorney!) and wrote the most awesome shared parenting plan known to man.  I guess the remarriage wasn't part of the parenting plan.  Oh, and now he and his new wife of 10 months are expecting.  Awesome.

I swear I just don't get it.  How does a man (or woman for that matter) just turn their head on their kids and choose the new wife over them?  I understand some men can't stand to be alone but come on people!  That's taking it a bit to far in my opinion.  How selfish do you have to be to put your own needs in front of your kid's needs?

Hubs and I have said time and time again - if for some reason we were to divorce there is no WAY either of us would introduce another person to little guy.  No way.  It just isn't fair to up heave his life for our own needs and wants.  Crap, Missouri shares custody 50/50 - if you can't have a few dates when you don't have your kids and put them first when you do have them you are an even more selfish ass!

My heart hurts today for her boys, in particular the 10 year old.  He will understand this.  Kids are not stupid.  When his dad gives up time with him, doesn't show up to his events (which he is already doing) and puts his new wife and stepkids in front of his own, they will get it.  In evokes one simple feeling:  abandonment.  It will carry with them throughout their life.  And my friend can be the very best mother in the whole entire world but she will never be able to make up for the loss the boys will eventually feel.  

I have first hand knowledge of this.  No, I've never been a stepmom.  Thank god.  I can't imagine trying to assist in raising another woman's children.  I'll tell you one thing - if I did I would go over the top with respect for her as a mother regardless of what my new husband felt about her.  That's easy separation of church and state - keep the past relationship out of the future parenting.  My dad left my mom after 37 years of marriage when I was a teenager and within a very short time, he remarried.  He had made it clear that the reason he could leave my mom at the time was that his kids were grown (uh hem... what about me?)  He married a woman with guess what.... kids.  They are around the ages of me and my sibs so no little ones obviously;.  He immediately started a great relationship with them... and discarded me.  At least that is how I felt.  And I was old enough to know better, so how do you think little kids understand this?

Special thoughts for my friend today.  I've got your back, sister.  Be the best mom you can be, hold your head up high and it will be okay.  Tell your boys that they have valid, real emotions ~ don't make them be happy with their dad when they aren't.  I used to defend Bubba's dad when he was little and didn't show up to stuff - "it's okay, buddy... he had to work late.  He'll be at the next one."  For many years I tried to do that.  When I stopped defending him, it was liberating.  It's was the truth.  It was easier to just tell him the truth instead of lie.  I just loved him through the disappointment the best I could.

Chomp the Night

Oh, how I miss dreaming.  I would dream often as a kid.  Even as a teen, I would have the most amazing dreams.  Then, they changed.  I guess I still dream but it certainly isn't fairytale stuff where I'm flying or something.  All of my dreams as an adult root in fear at some level.  Although I wouldn't necessarily categorize them as nightmares either.

I have a recurring dream about my teeth.  Geesh, how weird is that?  I literally dream about them falling out.  Or being knocked out.  Sometimes I even pull them out myself.  I wonder if I am the only one that has this dream?

Both my boys are blessed with the most amazing teeth.  Bubba went kicking and screaming into braces that he really didn't need but in an immature, spiteful move I made him get them to get rid of the front tooth gap that is hereditary in my ex's family.  Best decision ever.  He has perfect, beautiful teeth and an awesome smile.  Little guy has the strongest teeth that I have ever seen in a kid.  Well, sort of.  They won't fall out.  I'm certain if you did an experiment on him and measured his calcium levels they would be through the roof.  He's 10 and is still drinking 5 gallons of milk a week!  He hates soda ~ I love when we go out to eat and he orders water.  Or milk :).  We protect his teeth with the best mouthpieces during football season to no avail.  He's probably the only 10 year old that still believes in the tooth fairy, especially since he's only lost 8 teeth!  

Two years ago he was playing on a neighb's playset and all of the kids piled on top of him to slide down the slide.  Not a strange occurrence ~ he is always the biggest kid in whatever group of kid's he plays with.  They crashed at the bottom and Whala!  Broken front tooth.  I bawled that night.  No, he was totally fine and not in any pain.  But it was his big, permanent front tooth.  Ah man.  How will we ever fix it?  Please don't crown my kid!

Miraculously though, it was fixed.  Then it broke again.  Oh just stab me.  So it was fixed again and we have warned him that we will inflict bodily harm to him if it breaks again.  

Both of my parents lost all of their teeth and wear/wore dentures.  My brothers don't have the best teeth if memory serves me.  And mine?  Well, they could certainly be better.

As we march into 2012, I'm glad my benefits start over and my dental maximum is unused.  I'm certain we will have more adventures this year.  I already have a list from my dentist of junk he wants to do so he can vacation in the Bahamas.  Awesome.  For now, I just hope I wake up tomorrow with all of my teeth still intact.