I'm BACK!

Yep, it's been awhile.  A really long while.  Writing is an open window to my soul.  I feel my most vulnerable when I put things down to be viewed.

Voyeurs would have a blast with me.

My most difficult emotion is by far vulnerability.  I guard it with fierceness.  I very rarely put it out there.  If I do, I'm either in a state of complete defensiveness, hurt, shock or pain.  The funny thing is I completely know that I'm guarding it.  I know exactly when I put up the walls, how tall they are, how much armor I need and how I will secure it.  It's as if I have made a conscience decision to not allow it.

I used to feel that I held grudges against those that hurt me because I hadn't learned the skill of forgiveness.  I don't think that's it anymore.  I think I make the wall a little taller once I get hurt so that it won't happen again. but I'm much better at forgiving the older I get.   I've joked with a friend of mine about this very thing many times- we both laugh when someone hurts us in screaming out "You're dead to me!"  Something about articulating that statement puts finality in the discussion, even though we don't really mean it.

I find myself close to a crossroads.  I stopped writing last year because I didn't want to be judged working through some of my emotions in writing.  I picked up journals and filled them with ink that is never to be shared but I miss the creativity of this blog page  It's time for me to come back, hold my head up high and not be worried about what anyone else thinks.  I realized I never have to share this journal outside of those who want to read it.. a concept I have always known but somehow never implemented.

So I'm back.  Hopefully for good. If you are chosing to read, enjoy the ride and WELCOME  BACK!

Jen