Voyeurs would have a blast with me.
My most difficult emotion is by far vulnerability. I guard it with fierceness. I very rarely put it out there. If I do, I'm either in a state of complete defensiveness, hurt, shock or pain. The funny thing is I completely know that I'm guarding it. I know exactly when I put up the walls, how tall they are, how much armor I need and how I will secure it. It's as if I have made a conscience decision to not allow it.
I used to feel that I held grudges against those that hurt me because I hadn't learned the skill of forgiveness. I don't think that's it anymore. I think I make the wall a little taller once I get hurt so that it won't happen again. but I'm much better at forgiving the older I get. I've joked with a friend of mine about this very thing many times- we both laugh when someone hurts us in screaming out "You're dead to me!" Something about articulating that statement puts finality in the discussion, even though we don't really mean it.
I find myself close to a crossroads. I stopped writing last year because I didn't want to be judged working through some of my emotions in writing. I picked up journals and filled them with ink that is never to be shared but I miss the creativity of this blog page It's time for me to come back, hold my head up high and not be worried about what anyone else thinks. I realized I never have to share this journal outside of those who want to read it.. a concept I have always known but somehow never implemented.
So I'm back. Hopefully for good. If you are chosing to read, enjoy the ride and WELCOME BACK!