Momma Bear

After the outpouring of support from my post yesterday, it's only fair that I expand and clarify a few things.  

I am surrounded by women that are mothers.  Really good, strong, independent, loving, nurturing mothers.  I feel my own was the best momma ever loving me unconditionally until the day she died.  She also possessed a strong maternal urge to protect her kids at all costs no matter what the consequences.

I have that trait.  I will go to battle any day, anytime for all of my kids.  And not just their physical safety - most often I worry most about their emotional stability.  I want them to walk with their heads high every single day on this earth knowing their mother would fight to the death to protect their integrity, character and souls.  And they do know.  All of my kids know this about me, most obviously Bubba and my daughter because they are the oldest.

I, like a lot of my mom friends, had (or have to) coparent with an ex.  That task in and of itself is not easy... again, if you can't stay married, coparenting won't be easy either.  But throw in another spouse (or 3 more in my ex's case) and it becomes a little overwhelming.  And not only the spouses, all the dates sprinkled in between that came home to meet the kids was just as awesome.

So faithful readers - I am sorry for my tirade yesterday.  I allowed 4th wife to get under my skin.  See, she has her own blog and although she doesn't even know me or Bubba (or his wife, or his son), she finds it necessary to blog about us on occasion.  And she lies.  Every single, solitary word on the page is incorrect.  It amazes me how blatantly wrong it is - not even close to a version of the truth.  But of course, she's perfect.  See, she lives her life with no drama, because she is just a victim that married the most perfect man on the planet that just so happens to have the most evil kids and ex's she's ever met.  She even claims to have a support group of other women that are victims to these natural, biological mothers and their evil kids.  Talk about hypocrisy - she herself has natural born children and is a biological mother but somehow she is perfect at that task as well. 

Oh... to the contrary.  If she was as perfect as she claims, she would understand a mother's need to protect her kids (if she did it to her own, that is - she IS a mother after all).  If she was perfect, she would understand how much you have to make up for the absent (or idiot) father of your kids (as she claims she has to all the time in her blogs).  If she was perfect, she would understand that 3 years of a marriage does not constitute understanding the intricacies of the past 22 years of family events~ births, deaths, marriages, divorces, etc.  But alas, she is not perfect.  None of us are. 

I was reminded by my beautiful, wonderful daughter in law that I do not have to defend our family.  I don't even need to defend myself because I live each day loving my children unconditionally and doing the right thing and they KNOW it.  I don't drag drama all over facebook, twitter and my blog.  Although today, I am.  Yep, I'm being the mature 40 year old that I am because I can - it's my blog.  See, I am the baby of the family!

So I deleted her stupid blog and I won't read the car wreck anymore that is their lives.  My intimate family life is as perfect as we make it - we have removed all the individuals (including family members) that stir up crap, hurt others intentionally and don't live the creed of loving unconditionally.  Sure it's sad from the outside that we don't have relationships with certain individuals but love by obligation is NOT something I have ever taught my children.  Just because his title is "father" does not mean that you have to engage in a relationship with him, particularly if he has proven time and again that he cannot be trusted.  Intentional hurt is never required, regardless of the title.

So thanks to all the beautiful women that called, text and emailed me yesterday.  It's all good, girls.  We will keep loving our children each day and not feel guilty about protecting them from harm... even if it is related.  That's our job, after all!  Guard those dens and keep out the vultures!

How NORMAL are you?!

Families are so complicated.  No matter what you see on the outside, most people have skeletons hanging in every closet of their house.  Mine of course is no exception!

If every woman married one man, had children with same said man and died married to same said man life would be fairly uncomplicated.  It is extremely difficult to find this type of arrangement beyond marriage licenses issued in 1955.

As a kid, I always thought my "core" family was totally normal (with exception to having a disabled sister).  I had one mom, one dad, gparents on both sides and siblings.  Normal, right?  Hmmm.  What I DIDN'T learn until I was about 11 years old is that BOTH of my Gparents had been divorced - one remarried SEVEN times!  YES, I SAID 7!  My Gma on Dads side came to live with us.  She didn't live w/Gpa?  Oh, I didn't know that.  She moved on to one of her other 7 kid's homes by the time I was 13 but along came same side Gpa.  Ugh.  I didn't even know him and found him totally irritating.  Unfortunately he died by the time I was 15 so I never really got the chance (he was our first generation Navy serviceman though - oh I wish I would have paid attention!)

FAV Gparent was Nana (mom's mom).  She ROCKED.  We were kindred spirits from the day I was born and I never lived closer than 2 hours from her my whole life.  I didn't even see her too terribly often but I loved that woman to my core.  She was married to my only Gpa (Papa Art) who I ever really knew and loved - one tank of a man. 

My world came into clear view of "dysfunction" when my parents split up after 37 years of marriage when I was 16.  Then my Gparents divorced.  WTH?  I thought the whole world was crumbling down.

So naive.  I had friends all around me who lived that their entire lives but I didn't get it at all until I went through it.

Today, I'm divorced (and remarried of course).  My son's bio dad has been married 4 times.  My brother - 3 times.  My friends have numerous marriages and divorces. It is the norm at this point.

I'm amazed with all this commotion how people want to try to be "normal" still.  It's NOT normal and it never will be.  Bio parents are responsible for their kids, period.  Steps can get in and work the system but ultimately don't have a say. 

Is it that easy?  What about the in-laws you accumulate along the way?

I think it is like anything else in life - if I like you, you like me and we want a relationship, then we will.  The rest doesn't matter.  I have a TREMENDOUS relationship with my "ex" sisters in law.  I will never, ever change that, no matter what.  And yes, of COURSE I love my current sister-in-law!  She should never, ever feel threatened that I love and maintain contact with the prior ones.  They are, of course, FAMILY.  Whether "ex" or not, we came together with a common denominator and it will always remain.  Even MY ex's sisters and I have good relations and talk and even if he does have 4th wife, I won't avoid them or run away.  It's not her call - it's mine and the other person.

I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on this one - message me if you don't want to comment publicly!  This topic creates such controversy but the reality is simple:  this is the NEW normal and we all have to figure out how to lose our insecurities and move forward.  I know it's a big task for some to strap on their big girl panties and suck it up, but life will be filled with disdain, drama and lost relationships if you don't figure it out.

Bloggin' Up the Steps

I love blogs.  I'm pretty much a blog whore.  I read any and all I can get my hands on to learn different perspectives and ideas.  And sometimes, I'm just nosy and wonder what other people are up to.

It astounds me what some people blog.  If this is the first time you are reading MY blog, you will find that I talk about myself, my friends and my family.  Mostly, I unearth my personal journey through life and my joys, mistakes and trials I experience.  I'm an extremely self aware girl so you find that I'm the first one to point out my vulnerabilities.

However, there are many people that spend ENDLESS amount of time writing about people they don't like or get along with.  It must be exhausting to walk around hating other people so much.  The ones that crack me up the most are the ones co-parenting with ex-spouses.  That's the best entertainment - it's like seeing a car accident... you just can't look away no matter how bad it is.  I find that I read these blogs almost religiously because I just can't seem to believe that someone would be so bold in writing to slam someone they KNOW reads their blog.  Hey, I'm the most non-confrontational person on the planet but I can only think one thing:  Grow some nads, people!  If you have an issue with someone and want to truly be a grown up, just get your crap out in person! 

Oh no - the new way of communication is slamming someone in a blog.  Hate emails.  Nightmare texting, twittering, facebooking, etc.  No verbal communication whatsoever.  Very grown up.

Now in defense of those doing this ~ it is often IMPOSSIBLE to co-parent.  If you were married and got divorced, you obviously had a reason to divorce. Someone was the dumper and someone was the dumpee.  And usually, the dumpee gets vengeful and starts throwing darts at your eyes.  I should know I was the dumper once.  Oddly enough, if you can't be married you most likely won't coparent very well either.  Oh you might have moments when everyone tries to get along but once remarriage starts it becomes impossible.  Bio moms HATE stepmoms, bio dad's feel threatened by stepdads.  In the end, biological parents want their kids to love them and only them as the PARENTS of the kids.  Ugh, if only it were that easy.

My experience actually turned the other way.  I am grateful every day for the stepmom of my son.  Oh, it wasn't always that easy.  Both Bubba's bio dad and I were remarried by the time he was 3 years old and we were still in major WWIII mode.  Everytime we had to exchange Bubba we screamed unmercifully at each other.  Nightmare that totally justified my decision to divorce him everytime I saw him.  But by the time Bubba turned 6 and bio dad and stepmom had their first daughter, we were in a groove.  Granted, we still spat sometimes about scheduling which seemed to be the primary problem. 

The moment it all changed was middle school.  7th grade registration, to be precise.  By then, bio dad had missed about 5 years of activities.  Just never came to anything, totally absent because it was "on my time".  What a cop out.  "Grow up and drag your ass to your kid's events" was my constant statement.  But on this special day, stepmom came to registration with me.  Not bio dad, just stepmom.  And we did it together.  From that day on, we coparented Bubba together and removed bio dad.  It was the best decision that I'm sure neither of us self consciously did but it worked perfectly.

To this day, Bubba has a fantastic relationship with his stepmom (and she with him).  She and her P's (his grandparents) are very close and see each other at every holiday and major event.  I can't imagine her not being a part of his life forever.  She nursed his boo boos, wiped his tears when his dad disappointed him and loved him unconditionally - a dream that every parent has for their kids.  I know I didn't always respect her the way I should have and to that I have publically owned it and apologized to her a zillion times. 

Bubba doesn't see his bio dad which should come to no surprise to anyone that really knows us.  He was never there for his son as a child so we certainly wouldn't assume he would be as an adult.  He is too consumed in his own current drama to even notice that he has no relationship with him.  Shocker - it's always been that way.  But what a HUGE advantage for the rest of us to live and love each other without his crap getting in the way!

So for all those steps getting slammed in blogs everyday, I say THANKS to mine that was and is a savior in my opinion.  Unfortunately for her she still has to coparent with Bub's bio dad (they had three children together over their 12 year marriage) so she has to live in a constant nightmare with the 4th wife (yep, there was one in between).  I don't envy her at all - I would literally move out of the country if I had to even attempt this venture.  Or call the Italians, whichever worked best (hubs knows a couple or tree...) < Inside joke>

Monumental Moments

As I enjoy my coffee this morning I am contemplating.  A very big set of decisions will be made today.  What an experience! 

It isn't often that we experience monumental moments in our lives.  Sure, getting married is one of the life changers.  Having kids, that will do it.  But beyond that, we have experiences for certain but aren't really faced with to many choices and decisions that are monumental, changing your life path.  A divorce maybe (ugh).  Even deaths don't really do it as they are a natural cycle of life (unless a tragic accident happens).

So once we hit parenthood, we slip into consistent patterns.  Live lives fairly complacently.  Don't really change much.  Become older and more set in our ways, thus more resistant to change entirely.

I am anxious today.  A bit nervous, but excited.  I know the big decisions being made are great ones that will encite adventure, excitement, unknown experiences.  They will also have an impact on others too (including me) and cause a bit of anxiety, uncertainty, unawareness and a bit of saddness.  But this too shall pass and the end result will be a monumental change in the lives of others. 

I wonder why we don't consider change more often?  Lots of people I know would call change "drama".  How sad.  It doesn't have to be considered that negatively.  Changes can help a person be their better, higher person.  Experiencing life in a diverse manner will give you a more holistic view of the world around you.

So today I pray.  I pray for the decisions being made to hold strength, confidence, courage and excitement.  I pray we handle the news we receive intelligently, maturely and lovingly. 

I can't wait for my phone to ring!!