Why YES, I do Love my Cousin...

Ah crap.  I hate those talk shows where you have a totally dysfunctional family airing all their dirty laundry in public.  "He slept with my sister's best friend" crap.  Eww.  So tacky and white trash.

I find myself in one of those familial situation once again... and somehow my ex's 4th wife is right in the middle of it.  Lovely.  I sent my application off to Springer this morning so I'm sure we'll get accepted.

See if you can follow along:

One of my siblings dated one of my best friends after we graduated high school.

They got pregnant.

They got engaged.

They broke engagement.

They had a baby (my niece).

I got pregnant.

I got married to my ex (ugh, shoot me).

We had a baby (my son).

We got divorced.

So far, easy to figure out.  Now the fun part.

My ex married 4th wife 3 years ago.

4th wife is now best friends with my prior bestie (see above.)

She has a son from one of her previous marriages (not sure how many she has...)

That would make my son and her son steps or something like that (unfortunately).

My previous bestie's daughter (my niece, remember?) is apparently dating 4th wife's son.

Hmmm.... seem incestuous to anyone else but me?  Wouldn't that in some universe actually make them cousins by some means?  Oh I know, no worries - they aren't blood.  That makes it completely normal.

I just discovered this news last week and have been pondering it ever since.  It's quite fascinating and I'm sure would make a great show.

So like in all good families with ex's and the crap that follows them, my niece will now no longer speak with me because she loves her new family better (so she told me quite clearly) and my ex is her favorite person on the planet.  It must be because of his stellar parental skills I'm guessing.  It will be awesome if they marry and my ex (her uncle) becomes her father in law.  She thought my family was bad... just wait until she fully experiences that one. 

All I can say is if she ever needs her family history information it may be difficult to get it if she cuts us all out.  Drawing lines and making declarative statements with a Scorpio is never a good idea.  We hold grudges longer than an Indian Summer and are not quick to forgive or forget when people crap on us or our family.

I guess the positive to this is that one by one I have almost successfully eliminated all traces of my ex and his poison.  See, if you are determined you can do anything!  I feel like I am living a true reenactment of the show Revenge!

As I advised in my Liar Liar post.... pathological liars and sociopaths have very deep roots and will work to destroy your family if you let them in.  No shocker it reached this level - my niece was unfortunately easy to penetrate.  The good news is 4th wife has officially run out of my peeps to try to infect.  My core group is as strong as an old oak and can't be infiltrated.  I guess she'll just move back to the other ex to harass.  

I wonder if she ever tries to stab at 3rd wife?  Probably not since she and my ex didn't have kids together.  She seems to only target parental relationships by manipulating the kids.

And back to my happy place, striking a Namaste pose....

As a footer to all of this - I officially do love my niece very much.  I'm very proud of her and her accomplishments and wish her the best of luck in all her future endeavours.  I'm hopeful she will live a successfully happy life!

This is How We Do It

I traveled for business yesterday with a woman that I knew already, but not well.  8 hours in the car together gets you to know each other pretty darn well.  And yes, if you are wondering, I did ask her permission to blog her story and she said YES, THAT'S SO SWEET!

I had a coworker at my prior employer that did this same thing with her ex-husband, so now I have met two courageous, selfless women that made this work.  I'm so excited to share it!

My friend had a child when she was in her early 20's.  She unfortunately later divorced her daughter's father and relocation moved her out of state from him.  He didn't have much visitation with the little girl after the age of 4 but didn't ask for it either.  When she asked for financial support of her daughter he terminated his parental rights.  Awesome.

My friend buckled down as a single mother and raised her child.  When her friends went out on Friday nights, she stayed home.  Sounds familiar.  She didn't ask her parents to babysit (or anyone else for that matter), she did it all on her own.

Flash forward a few years and she had a chance meeting with her now husband.  He was also a single dad of a daughter and had full custody of his child as well.  They had a LOT of things in common and had an instant connection.  But somehow, through all the lust and desire, they held strong in their first commitment to raise their daughters.  Without drama.  Without having to change schools, "learn to live" with a new sister, learn to understand a new parent.  In short, her words were to me "Why would I MAKE my daughter blend into MY life.  I made a decision to bring her into this life and give her my full, utmost attention~ always doing what was best for her.  Why would that be best?"  

I was floored.  Women I know don't usually do this.  Nor men, for that matter.  Most people just can't or won't make that type of sacrifice for their children.

So they did.  They did not get married.  They did not move in together.  Instead what they did was visit each other, with their girls.  If one had a soccer game, they all went.  When my friend's daughter made homecoming queen, he walked her onto the football field.  He was present in her life, just like a father should be.  And my friend was present in his daughter's life, just as she a mother would be.

Present.  Such a simple word.  I think what most parents forget is that saying one thing and doing another is a complete contradiction to children.  They are simple.  Show up.  Be there.  Be present, not distracted to them.

After both girls were grown and moved out of the home, I'm happy to announce that after 9 years of dating, they married.  Not only that, but he adopted her 21 year old daughter ~ they made the decision together!  How amazing is that!

Now, they are a happy, healthy couple.  Their daughters know their love for them.  Nobody is jealous.  Nobody is fighting.  Bliss.

Hubs and I have said it time and time again.  No divorce.  Ever.  No coparenting.  Ever.  It just won't happen.  Our little guy is far to important to drag through the drama of steps (and of course we will become ex's).  His happiness is first, no matter what.

Bloggin' Up the Steps

I love blogs.  I'm pretty much a blog whore.  I read any and all I can get my hands on to learn different perspectives and ideas.  And sometimes, I'm just nosy and wonder what other people are up to.

It astounds me what some people blog.  If this is the first time you are reading MY blog, you will find that I talk about myself, my friends and my family.  Mostly, I unearth my personal journey through life and my joys, mistakes and trials I experience.  I'm an extremely self aware girl so you find that I'm the first one to point out my vulnerabilities.

However, there are many people that spend ENDLESS amount of time writing about people they don't like or get along with.  It must be exhausting to walk around hating other people so much.  The ones that crack me up the most are the ones co-parenting with ex-spouses.  That's the best entertainment - it's like seeing a car accident... you just can't look away no matter how bad it is.  I find that I read these blogs almost religiously because I just can't seem to believe that someone would be so bold in writing to slam someone they KNOW reads their blog.  Hey, I'm the most non-confrontational person on the planet but I can only think one thing:  Grow some nads, people!  If you have an issue with someone and want to truly be a grown up, just get your crap out in person! 

Oh no - the new way of communication is slamming someone in a blog.  Hate emails.  Nightmare texting, twittering, facebooking, etc.  No verbal communication whatsoever.  Very grown up.

Now in defense of those doing this ~ it is often IMPOSSIBLE to co-parent.  If you were married and got divorced, you obviously had a reason to divorce. Someone was the dumper and someone was the dumpee.  And usually, the dumpee gets vengeful and starts throwing darts at your eyes.  I should know I was the dumper once.  Oddly enough, if you can't be married you most likely won't coparent very well either.  Oh you might have moments when everyone tries to get along but once remarriage starts it becomes impossible.  Bio moms HATE stepmoms, bio dad's feel threatened by stepdads.  In the end, biological parents want their kids to love them and only them as the PARENTS of the kids.  Ugh, if only it were that easy.

My experience actually turned the other way.  I am grateful every day for the stepmom of my son.  Oh, it wasn't always that easy.  Both Bubba's bio dad and I were remarried by the time he was 3 years old and we were still in major WWIII mode.  Everytime we had to exchange Bubba we screamed unmercifully at each other.  Nightmare that totally justified my decision to divorce him everytime I saw him.  But by the time Bubba turned 6 and bio dad and stepmom had their first daughter, we were in a groove.  Granted, we still spat sometimes about scheduling which seemed to be the primary problem. 

The moment it all changed was middle school.  7th grade registration, to be precise.  By then, bio dad had missed about 5 years of activities.  Just never came to anything, totally absent because it was "on my time".  What a cop out.  "Grow up and drag your ass to your kid's events" was my constant statement.  But on this special day, stepmom came to registration with me.  Not bio dad, just stepmom.  And we did it together.  From that day on, we coparented Bubba together and removed bio dad.  It was the best decision that I'm sure neither of us self consciously did but it worked perfectly.

To this day, Bubba has a fantastic relationship with his stepmom (and she with him).  She and her P's (his grandparents) are very close and see each other at every holiday and major event.  I can't imagine her not being a part of his life forever.  She nursed his boo boos, wiped his tears when his dad disappointed him and loved him unconditionally - a dream that every parent has for their kids.  I know I didn't always respect her the way I should have and to that I have publically owned it and apologized to her a zillion times. 

Bubba doesn't see his bio dad which should come to no surprise to anyone that really knows us.  He was never there for his son as a child so we certainly wouldn't assume he would be as an adult.  He is too consumed in his own current drama to even notice that he has no relationship with him.  Shocker - it's always been that way.  But what a HUGE advantage for the rest of us to live and love each other without his crap getting in the way!

So for all those steps getting slammed in blogs everyday, I say THANKS to mine that was and is a savior in my opinion.  Unfortunately for her she still has to coparent with Bub's bio dad (they had three children together over their 12 year marriage) so she has to live in a constant nightmare with the 4th wife (yep, there was one in between).  I don't envy her at all - I would literally move out of the country if I had to even attempt this venture.  Or call the Italians, whichever worked best (hubs knows a couple or tree...) < Inside joke>

Nightmare on Ex Street

Hubs and I joke all the time about what life will be like when the little guy turns 18 and we get divorced.  We even do it in front of people sometimes ~ forgetting that others really are divorced and trying to raise kids in that environment.  Those that know us well understand that we are passionate with one another and divorce is simply not now, nor ever will be, a way out of our marriage.  Hubs says he has more creative ways of getting rid of me (note to readers - if I show up missing, have them dig up the field behind my house!)

All kidding aside, we have "been there, done that" and wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Unfortunately I was married very young and subsequently divorced very young, which caused the much bigger nightmare of having to coparent with someone I didn't even want to speak to (and still don't... nah, I don't hold grudges or anything).  And a nightmare it was.  The kicker was that it's fairly clear now (hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20) that the ex was never even interested in being a father.

It is an extremely rare couple that can be married, have kids, get divorced and coparent.  Stating the obvious ~ if you can't work through your differences when you are married, how in the world will you compromise enough to coparent AFTER divorce?  I am very fortunate that my son is old enough that I will never have to see or speak to his bio dad again.  Bio dad did his own permanent damage to their relationship and my son learned the unfortunate lesson that not all people are good people, even those you may share DNA.  Thank god he's had Hubs since he was 3 to know true unconditional love ~ even better when it's someone you DON'T share DNA!

Looking around, I see a ton of divorced couples raising kids.  A VERY few of them have it right.  I'd say 1 out of 10 that I know.  I'm pretty shocked when I see it.  Perfect example:  my little guy has a friend whose parents are divorced.  He plays a sport with their son.  Every practice, I see his mom and dad sitting next to each other talking, laughing, smiling.  Cheering on their son.  They have consistently been doing this for the past two seasons.  It wasn't until half way through this season that I learned the two of them were not married to each other.  In fact, I learned the dad is remarried (and maybe has steps?)  What?!  How can that be?!  Where is everyone else?  How can they get along so well?

The obvious answer... they do it for their kids.  They care enough about them to show their kids how to respect each other.  They show a unilateral support system for their kids.  They don't care whose day it is, don't act angry the other one is there.  Quite frankly ~ it isn't about THEM.  It is ALL about their children and all of the rest of their own lives are unimportant compared to their first job of raising loved, cared for, well adjusted kids.  I admire them.  Their boys will totally understand when they are grown that their parents made the ultimate sacrifice for them... they supported one another through the parenting experience putting all of their own wishes aside.

For the vast majority of the rest of my fellow divorcee`s, it isn't working.  Whether remarried or not, they are fighting.  Fighting over whose weekend it is.  Fighting over who had the last holiday.  Fighting over who pays for what.  Fighting over past wounds, future spouses, kid's alliances and loyalties, new spouses, steps, halfs.  Involving everyone they come in contact with in the middle of their conflicts ~ the teachers, the old friends, the new relationships.  In a single word = nightmare.

What comes out of that?  Kids that are more "flexible, resilient, go with the flow".  That's what they will say.  I know, because that is exactly what I used to say.  Nope.  Try another description:  confused, distrusting, vulnerable.  I don't doubt marriages have MILLIONS of reasons to end, but I implore those considering divorce with kids to CHOOSE WISELY.  Parents will always say they will sacrifice for their kids, but if they really mean that they would fight tooth and nail to push everything aside and put the kids first.

And for my friends battling their exes that are already divorced?  One day, this too will end.  Eventually you will no longer have to go through all the crap.  Oh sure, you may have to be around them at your adult kid's life events.  Or maybe not ~ you could get lucky like me and never have to see them.  Either way, I pray you have the strength to push through and stay focused on the main task at hand.

Strip Search

A person to remain nameless is taking on a huge adventure.... a new job that will be awesomely fantastic with travel experiences and great advancement opportunities. 

So to get this job, the application is around 50,000 pages long.  And exhausting. And intimidating.  Basically... it's a strip search.

Who have you ever known in your entire life?  Write down their name, address (current and former) and date and city, state of where they were born.  Who in the hell can do that?

Wait, it gets better.  Name your family.  Your ENTIRE family.  This person has a very fragmented family. BPs (biological parents) are divorced and remarried (one of them twice, the other one we lost count).  Name all of your siblings, your steps (step sibs), your halfs (half sibs), your adopted sibs, your foster sibs.  Some of them are married?  Go ahead and name their spouses and their kids and their stepkids, half sibs.  Oh, and write down their dates of birth and where they were born too. 

How many jobs have you had?  Let's do an anal probe into that as well.  Where, when, how long, what did you like, what didn't you like, why aren't you there any longer?  If you left, do you regret you left?  What would have been your career path if you stayed? (I didn't know you could have a career path at Hi-Boy... guess food manager there or something).

Not to even mention some of the scary questions relating to the actual job that is being applied.

I've been volunteering my time to this person to be of assistance but find myself being utterly useless.

Moral of the story:  KISS.  Keep it simple stupid.  If you do that then you never have to worry about filling out a 50,000 job application.  That and pray your BPs take that same mantra and don't get married 700 times and have a jillion kids between them.  I thank god EVERYDAY that I don't have to deal with that crap in my life anymore!  I would kill myself if I had to coparent with my ex any longer.

(Just as a footer ~ I MIGHT have a bit of difficulty exaggerating sometimes.  In case you want cold hard facts:  the application was 27 pages long.  With two additional addenda.  Yep, almost 50,000.)