What's in a Scrotum?

KB, ME and PB

Thank GOD for girlfriends!  They do make all things just a little bit easier in life.

Yep, the dreaded Human Sexuality video was last night.

OH MY GOD.

I am SO not prepared for this with my little guy.

We literally looked like monkeys last night.  KB covered her ears, PB tried not to laugh and I just shut my eyes.

I must believe at this time that this might be the only single, solitary moment where it may be easier to have a daughter.  I yearned to run away and hide in the 4th grade girls movie showing.  There is no way it could possibly have been as descriptive as our movie!

So this blog will be a bit PG-13.  Heck, if my 10 year old will see it then I'm sure you all won't think it's inappropriate either, right?  

Sure the movie explains good things - your body will change.  Your voice will crack.  Your sweat glands will start working overtime and make you smelly and give you pimples.  Okay, easy peasy.

Bum, bum, bummmm..... You will grow hair.  Flash up ~ naked body (no worries, just a cartoonish picture).  Time for descriptions!  This is your penis, these are your testicles which lay inside of a loose sack called the scrotum.  Great, word #1 for giggles and fun.  As one of the mom's said last night, it just sounds like a funny word so of course the boys are going to run around and call each other one all the time.  I'm sure Mrs. G (our principal) won't mind that at all.  Haven't these people met 10 year old boys before??

Onto the fact that your penis will grow, which is called an erection.  Oh and the best part - this can happen involuntarily which is totally normal.  AWESOME.  Now little guy is going to be nervous all the time that he is going to "grow accidentally" at school but it's okay, it's totally normal.  Maybe to the people that made the movie, but ask any 10 year old that this happens to and I'm sure you won't get the same answer!

Now onto "night emissions".  In other words, also called a wet dream.  These happen involuntarily also and it's totally normal.

JUST KILL ME NOW.

I know my little guy is the baby of the family thus I'm a bit protective, but come on people... HE'S 10 YEARS OLD!  He plays Uno with his grandparents and runs around the house playing shoot 'em with nugget.  He cuddles with his stuffed animals at night still!  He is sweet and sensitive and so not ready to hear all of this just yet.  I know, I know - he will need to know it and of course, he will.  But right now?  What exactly is going to be helpful in knowing this information at 10 years old?  

Little guy is a sports nut, so by design most of his friends are athletic as well.  I can totally envision the hallways of his school after this video.  KB's kid will mimic Beavis and Butthead "heh, heh... you have a scrotum".  PBs kid will say "yeah, well at least I didn't have a wet dream last night".  And my son?  He'll smile and laugh and be SILENT dying inside of embarrassment from the conversation.  No, he's not perfect.  He's just SHY.

So thanks a lot, Lee's Summit School District, for finding it necessary to teach my 10 year old son about erections.  I'm certain that is pertinent information he would have never obtained independently of you showing him this movie.  Next I guess you will hand out condoms as party favors? 

UGH - private school sure seems like a better solution right now!

Momma Bear

After the outpouring of support from my post yesterday, it's only fair that I expand and clarify a few things.  

I am surrounded by women that are mothers.  Really good, strong, independent, loving, nurturing mothers.  I feel my own was the best momma ever loving me unconditionally until the day she died.  She also possessed a strong maternal urge to protect her kids at all costs no matter what the consequences.

I have that trait.  I will go to battle any day, anytime for all of my kids.  And not just their physical safety - most often I worry most about their emotional stability.  I want them to walk with their heads high every single day on this earth knowing their mother would fight to the death to protect their integrity, character and souls.  And they do know.  All of my kids know this about me, most obviously Bubba and my daughter because they are the oldest.

I, like a lot of my mom friends, had (or have to) coparent with an ex.  That task in and of itself is not easy... again, if you can't stay married, coparenting won't be easy either.  But throw in another spouse (or 3 more in my ex's case) and it becomes a little overwhelming.  And not only the spouses, all the dates sprinkled in between that came home to meet the kids was just as awesome.

So faithful readers - I am sorry for my tirade yesterday.  I allowed 4th wife to get under my skin.  See, she has her own blog and although she doesn't even know me or Bubba (or his wife, or his son), she finds it necessary to blog about us on occasion.  And she lies.  Every single, solitary word on the page is incorrect.  It amazes me how blatantly wrong it is - not even close to a version of the truth.  But of course, she's perfect.  See, she lives her life with no drama, because she is just a victim that married the most perfect man on the planet that just so happens to have the most evil kids and ex's she's ever met.  She even claims to have a support group of other women that are victims to these natural, biological mothers and their evil kids.  Talk about hypocrisy - she herself has natural born children and is a biological mother but somehow she is perfect at that task as well. 

Oh... to the contrary.  If she was as perfect as she claims, she would understand a mother's need to protect her kids (if she did it to her own, that is - she IS a mother after all).  If she was perfect, she would understand how much you have to make up for the absent (or idiot) father of your kids (as she claims she has to all the time in her blogs).  If she was perfect, she would understand that 3 years of a marriage does not constitute understanding the intricacies of the past 22 years of family events~ births, deaths, marriages, divorces, etc.  But alas, she is not perfect.  None of us are. 

I was reminded by my beautiful, wonderful daughter in law that I do not have to defend our family.  I don't even need to defend myself because I live each day loving my children unconditionally and doing the right thing and they KNOW it.  I don't drag drama all over facebook, twitter and my blog.  Although today, I am.  Yep, I'm being the mature 40 year old that I am because I can - it's my blog.  See, I am the baby of the family!

So I deleted her stupid blog and I won't read the car wreck anymore that is their lives.  My intimate family life is as perfect as we make it - we have removed all the individuals (including family members) that stir up crap, hurt others intentionally and don't live the creed of loving unconditionally.  Sure it's sad from the outside that we don't have relationships with certain individuals but love by obligation is NOT something I have ever taught my children.  Just because his title is "father" does not mean that you have to engage in a relationship with him, particularly if he has proven time and again that he cannot be trusted.  Intentional hurt is never required, regardless of the title.

So thanks to all the beautiful women that called, text and emailed me yesterday.  It's all good, girls.  We will keep loving our children each day and not feel guilty about protecting them from harm... even if it is related.  That's our job, after all!  Guard those dens and keep out the vultures!

Open Book

Wow - I just saw that I have had over 2,000 views on my blog in 30 days!  That is AWESOME!  I can't believe anyone would want to read what I have to say but apparently you do, so THANKS for taking your time to get to know me!

I recently started a book club and tonight is our second meeting.  I am LOVING it.  I don't know why it has taken me this long to do this!  I've been talking about wanting to join or start a book club for years but never really thought it would take off but this one seems to be sticking, so I'm crossing my fingers.  I even researched 'successful book clubs' before starting it so I would know what works and what doesn't work.  Yes, I'm that big of a nerd.

But the very best part of book club are the members.  These women are AMAZING.  I already know some of them pretty well (and BFF of course extremely well) but some I haven't talked to in years.  I am loving reconnecting with friends from my teens and learning about their life journeys.  We have our own little Oprah's Life Class happening right inside our living rooms!

I threw my idea out on Facebook and friends started inquiring.  This group of women come from all stations in life - from me, a Grandmother, to a friend that has never been married.  Single moms, married moms with kids in college, high school, elementary school.  Some working moms, some stay at home moms.  Some women with no children.  I love the diversity of this group - we really have a lot to learn from each other if we try and listen.

So I'm taking my sassy new hair to book club tonight along with a yummy red hubs bought me for my bday.  Oh, and when I told hubs thank you for accomodating the time I put in for book club he said "well, you didn't really ask".  Touche`!  This baby of the family never asks permission, only forgiveness!

Can't wait to see the girls! 

Strangle the Morning

I am a morning person.  No really.  I swear.  Lately though I have disliked most mornings.  I always tease hubs and tell him our little guy is exactly like him (in fact I just did it today!) but he really is like me in a lot of ways.  He actually loves his mornings, just like I do.  The problem isn't the morning time.  It is getting UP.  Feet on the floor, as hubs says.

Each morning I enter little guy's room singing "Good morning to you, good morning to you!"  Wait, maybe that is causing the problem.  Bella, the TRUE baby of the family we rescued from Wayside, greets me with her tail wagging so hard her entire hiney is off the floor.  Little guy never even stirs.  I check his pulse to ensure life and tell him "it's Thursday - you have music today, let's go have some breakfast".  No movement.

I take Bell downstairs to go outside and pass hubs in the hall.  Please get the man child out of bed, I ask.  Roger that.

I make some coffee and wait a bit.  Little guy usually comes stomping down with hubs behind him within 10 minutes or so.  Eyes practically closed.  Shuffling feet.  Identifying everything that hurts (true football player).  Giving me 17 reasons he can't get dressed.

I start his breakfast while I watch in resentment as he crawls under a blanket on the couch.  I ask him to dress, he tells me he can't... it's too cold.  I flip on the fireplace and head back to finish preparing breakfast.

A few minutes later everything is on the table, down to his daily multi-vitamin.  Still on the couch.  I tell him almost every morning of his life "Last chance to get to the table - I'm hungry and your waffles smell good so I'm going to eat them."  Meltdown begins, with 5 more reasons something hurts and he can't get off the couch.  Ugh.

So I usually hit the same place every morning:  I'm going to get your father.  HE will get you off the couch.

Nice.  Hubs has to come down and gently remind him to get moving.  Oh, and respect your mom.  To which he bounds off the couch, throws on his clothes happily and sits down to eat.

Secretly makes me want to strangle him.  Did I say that out loud?

Ah... no wonder they say patience is a virtue.  I have virtually NONE of it. 

Yesterday I even resorted to saying to him "It's my birthday, little guy.  The least you could do is get up for me on my birthday".  No response. 

I give up.  Until tomorrow morning....

Lordy, lordy... look who's WHAT?!

The good news is I am still alive.  I woke up this morning still breathing in and out.  Although I'm still convinced my heart rate is elevated.  I guess that means I have survived turning 40.  Thus far.

I don't feel any different.  Not any more tired than yesterday.  Nothing hurts anymore than it did yesterday.  Body and mind still intact.

Any wiser?  I should hope so, but I doubt it.  At least not in one day.

But I have learned some very valuable lessons as I depart my 30's that I think warrant sharing.

1.  Don't dwell on the small stuff.  Life is FAR to short to be worried about what kind of car you drive, if your Coach handbag is better than another friends or if your jeans have the right label on the ass.

2.  If you have kids (especially only's or the oldest), don't ride them all the time.  They don't have to be perfect.  They will turn out just the way they should.  Pressuring them like a cooker will just make them resent you.

3.  If you have more than one child, hug on the baby of the family ALL THE TIME.  Soon they won't be and hugs will get restricted, particularly in public.  I know this, I'm a BOF :)

4.  Career climb?  This one is tricky and depends on your ultimate goals.  If you want the half million dollar house and 2011 Mercedes, climb away.  Skip rungs if you can.  Work until your fingers bleed, but don't expect a lot of family understanding.  If you have kids and plan to do this, be careful.  They will soar through those 10 years and you will wake up and they will disregard you for never being present.  If you aren't driven by "stuff", go ahead and stay steady working the job that makes you the best person you can be.

And my last piece of advice ~ and this is the BIGGIE ~ don't forget while you are working your tail to the bone, trying to earn money and giving 150% (I HATE that term... not even possible), don't forget you have a spouse.  Oh yeah, that dude that lives in your house (or gal, if any guys read my blog).  Remember him/her?  Yeah.  If you plan to sail through your 30's ignoring your partner, be ready in your 40s when the kids are teens (or gone) to get out your pen.  Chances are VERY high your partner will do one of the following:

a.  cheat

b.  cheat and leave you

c.  cheat, leave you and ask for divorce

d.  cheat, leave you, ask for divorce and want 50/50 custody of your kids

e.  cheat, leave you, ask for divorce, want 50/50 custody of your kids and remarry in 6 months

So unless you want one of those items to occur, I suggest you pay a slight amount of attention to them while going through the career, the kids and the metabolism meltdown.  Just find yourself a nice outlet (I have LOTS of wine suggestions), laugh with good friends as often as you can and smile away.  Try to be grateful for all the things you have and don't get bogged down in how hard all of it is.  The good news is people all around you are doing exactly the same thing! 

So lift your glasses up... drink to my big 4-0.  Glad I made it this far.  I only hope my 40's will give me more wisdom, strength and courage to be the real me, a nice boost to my career and an exit strategy for d-day (my ultimate goal).  CHEERS!

Momma Love

Today is the anniversary of the fateful call I received 7 years ago that my momma passed away.  I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing.  It's funny how small things will stick in your brain from a single moment in time but you can't remember what is on your grocery list on your fridge at home when you are at the store. 

As the baby of the family and separated by 6 years from my next older sibling, I spent a lot of my childhood being obnoxious.  I was loud, boisterous and sassy... but mostly only to my momma.  To my father, I was obedient, respectful and quiet.  This duality has served me fairly well as an adult.  I can channel my focus, competitive drive and "need to succeed" from my father into my career while I am my truest self in my personal life.  It's strange how that happens ~ when your kids grow up they will take on manifestations of you that you never imagined until you see it in them.  My oldest Bubba is a lot like me as well (the momma side of me)... always striving to be his truest self.

As for my teens, I was a nightmare.  My folks divorcing when I was 16 didn't help matters.  I rebelled significantly; evidenced by my marriage and baby by 18.  But it was always my momma that toed the line and taught me how to become a woman and a mother, to be empathetic to others and be true to myself.

Those that know my momma will remember her as honest, true, a bit sassy (okay, a LOT sassy), opinionated and loving.  She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it but would be straightforward in identifying your mistakes so you wouldn't need it again.  But if you ever did, she was the first person to arrive. 

The older I get, the closer I become my mother.  I strive for the day when I don't have a duality in my personality.  When I can be exactly me, no holds barred in any aspect of my life.  My d-day will help me to achieve that goal.  My momma was a minimalist without trying to be.  Sure, she collected lots of things.  But money was not her truest intention.  Loving her family was her number one goal... and she nailed it. 

I miss her unconditional love every single day of my life and I'm certain I will until I join her in heaven.  I am so blessed to have had such a great woman in my life.  I pray that I have the strength, courage and wisdom to be even half of the mother she was to her four children.

What's your Order?

I am fascinated with birth order.  Almost as much as astrology.  Okay, no... I love to study signs more than birth order.  But still ~ it fascinates me.

My original sister-in-law (I say that because there have been 3 1/2 from that one sibling of mine) once told me about a book many years ago.  The Birth Order Book:  Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman.  It is an AWESOME book.  In fact, I just put it on my Kindle to read again and refresh my memory. 

Certain truths are consistent with birth order.  First borns tend to take one of two roads:  either extremely self sufficient or extremely rebellious depending on parenting style.  They tend to be the achievers in the family, the leaders, or they cause all sorts of problems bucking the system of the household.  A lot of the final outcome depends on how many kids come behind them.

Middle borns are the "fixers" of the family.  They want peace and tranquility among all the other members.  They often blend in, don't make to much trouble (although don't always succeed beyond on the first born if an over-achiever) and they definitely want to "keep the peace".

And the BOFs (babies of the family)... yep, this is me.  Again, depends on how many are ahead of them, but these great kids tend to be a bit selfish, a bit rowdy.  I like to call us "spicy" (or saucy, whichever comes to mind first).  Opinionated, typically loud (to get attention) and sassy. 

In my house, I created a bit different environment.  I have really raised two only children.  Ah, the only's.  These kids take on several traits of a first born and a BOF combined:  they are independent thinkers, typically act older than they really are age wise, but they also sometimes act spoiled and a little selfish since they have no other siblings.  My kiddos are 12 years apart, so Bubba was raised as an only and little guy is now being raised as an only. 

But even with the spread, I LOVE how close my boys have become.  We eliminated any sibling rivalry.  Little guy absolutely WORSHIPS Bubba.  Bubba thinks little guy is a bit spoiled but I think he is entertained by him sometimes.  And now Bubba is taking on a new adventure and I'm a bit worried about little guy.

My closest sibling left home to enter the military when I was 11 years old.  Little guy is now 10.  Granted, Bubba hasn't lived at home for almost 4 years now but still, I'm a bit concerned of how little guy will react.  I'm hoping to keep him SUPER involved, since I wasn't with my sib.  Maybe that way he will understand the gravity and feel proud and not left behind.

Grab the book if this entices you.  It goes into much more detail on not only birth order but gender order as well.  It really is amazingly accurate!

How old are you?

I find myself in a unique situation.  It is difficult for me to find women (or people in general) in a similar situation as I which causes me often to feel disconnected from my friends.

I am blessed to have a ton of friends - work friends, neighbor friends, my kiddo's friend's parent friends, etc. but none of them are where I am in life.  It gets frustrating because I often feel like I don't connect with them. 

If I really think about I have had this feeling for about as long as I can remember.  I was the 4th child (baby of the family) with a 14 year spread in age from top to bottom.  Once my sibs left home by the time I was about 12, I was an only child.  All that is to say ~ not a lot in common within my own family circle.

Making the decision to start my family when I was WAY young also caused separation from my peers.  I was the only girl married with a 9 month old at my senior high school prom.   My friends went to college, moved on and had their life experiences.  Again ~ not much in common.

I was 23 years old when my son started kindergarten.  Talk about intimidating.  I had NOTHING in common with the 30 year old mom's of my son's friends.  I busted it to be just like the other mom's all through my 20's ~ more responsible than my age, totally involved in school, etc.  I ended many friendships that I perceived as immature, because grown ups didn't drink and go out and act silly.  Mature parents did all the right things, said all the right things, always acted appropriately.  Again ~ disconnected.

I attended my son's high school graduation when I was 36.  Oh yeah, that would be common.  NOT.  Most of my son's friend's parents were in the late forties or fifties.  If they were graduating their youngest kids, some of them were even in their SIXTIES!  Some of them are talking retirement when I'm really at the turn of my career just taking off.  Grrr ~ disconnected.

The majority of my 20's and 30's I acted like someone I wasn't, trying to fit in and be "appropriate" to connect with others.  It was forced and uncomfortable much of the time.

Today, I'm often finding myself still there.  Yes, I have a second child who is in elementary school.  Yes, I live in a neighborhood with other elementary school kids.  Yes, my age on PAPER is close to those around me.  But still, a giant separation exists. I think it exists because although my hubs and I were finally blessed to have a second child together, he came much later than the first born. 

I've been married almost 20 years (23 if you count the first one which I rarely do!).  I have very few friends with that longevity and those that do have it are in their late forties, early fifties with their kids out of the house.  The hubs and I have been through it all and still learn everyday how to appreciate each other for the people we have (and are) becoming.  We throw down like no other ~ in the best of ways and sometimes not so great ~ but that passion is what keeps us together.  Our marriage is SO much better than it was even 10 years ago when we were struggling to raise a young man.

I've experienced being a mother from birth to adulthood ~ I've been tired and disconnected from my spouse, I've set rules and expectations in my marriage as to what the right mom and dad's look like,  I've tried to "keep up with the Jones'" ~ buying all the right brands, all the right toys, all the right STUFF.  I've waited up at night for the teenager to come home, watched him marry and become a father.

I am less than 10 short years away from downsizing, simplifying life TREMENDOUSLY and living my true, non-materialistic self.  And all my current friends?  Well, they won't get me (again).  They will think I'm weird because I'm not like them ~ I can just hear it now "JD, you aren't OLD, you are exactly our age!"  When I slowly duck out of the lime light of social media, material objects and "required participation" I am sure they will be perplexed.  Probably think I've lost my mind, become introverted and depressed or something.  But friends - it isn't about my age.

What they don't know now that they will learn when they are where I am now is that I had years of life experience ahead of them.  That is why I am so comfortable in my skin and don't care what others think of me.  I've already been through where they are now and I'm out on the other side of it by a significant amount of years.

Yep, act like I'm 50 but I'm still in my thirties.  At least for another month!

 

Seriously?!

I am ever amazed with how something can come out of my mouth one way and be interpreted another.  Sometimes I wish I could record myself and play it back, listening to my inflection and tone.  In my brain I hear things a certain way but it seems I am often not able to communicate my point.

I blame it on being the baby of the family (BTW, I blame most things on this beautiful familial position).  As the baby, one has to shout to be heard, must assert thoughts and feelings into a full home with the smallest voice.  As a kiddo, I not only shared my house with my brothers and sister, I also shared it with about 15 other kids on average ~ my mom ran an in-home daycare.  From 5 am to 7 pm, the house was always filled with babies, toddlers and school age kids shouting, screaming and playing.  If I wanted my mom's attention (which was ALWAYS), I had to be bossy, sassy, loud and overall a pain in the ass.  Yep, sounds like a few "babies of the family" I know now!  So if you have multiple kids and find that the baby of the family is a bit tedious and exhaustive - cut them some slack.  They just want to be heard, be special and have their own representative voice in the house.  I'm sure you already know they are always right, so just acknowledge them and move on.  They just want a little bit of extra attention!