Flash Alert!

As spontaneous as I try to live, my mornings begin the same way almost every single day of my life.  If I was successful at actually going to bed at a decent hour (before midnight), actually set my alarm properly (am - NOT pm) and can actually drag my exhausted butt out of bed (the trifecta) - I try to run with my neighbs.  Now some of my friends are SUPER excited about the mornings and can run at 5 am.  No, this is never a great idea for me. 

For one, ever since I started to train longer distances, I have a very specific running routine (oh man, this might be a pattern!)  I have to get up and be up for awhile first, drink some coffee, do some "business" and then I can go.  If things don't happen in that order... well, you get the point.

This morning I actually got up right at 5:45.  Drank my coffee, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the living room and was ready to run by 6:10 with my buddy JP.  We met right on time and had a pretty decent run (as opposed to last week when I had an epic failure - I'm remounting the horse after a 6 week hiatus).  I got back inside by 6:40 and went to chat with the hubs.

To keep my blog PG (or at least PG-13), suffice it to say I didn't get my youngest buddy out of bed until 7:25.  Yep, I lost track of time.  That happens to me OFTEN in my life ~ if you don't know this about me, I have a slight case of ADD.  Undiagnosed, of course.  I'm no dummy... I don't want that on my permanent record!

So the morning went into hyperdrive.  Get buddy dressed.  Feed him breakfast.  Finish homework we didn't know we had last night.  Take the dogs out.  Bring the dogs in.  Feed the dogs.  Take the dogs back out.  Bring the dogs back in.  Pack buddy's backpack and fill his water bottle.  Running around with my head cut off screaming every 5 seconds "Are you dressed buddy?  Are you dressed?  You're going to miss the bus!  Are you dressed?" To which I get "Mom~ of COURSE I'm not dressed!  I'm eating breakfast and doing my homework!"  Grrrr.

At 8:05 I throw him in the car.  Speed to the car rider line at school by 8:10.  Kiss and kick him out of the car.  Speed back home.  Kiss the hubs goodbye (who is smiling happily).  It's 8:15.  I'm in my running clothes.  I'm exhausted.  And I have a department meeting at 9:00.  Seriously?!

I pulled a total Danika Patrick move - showered by 8:22, stepping into the car at 8:30 am with make up on.  Only one small issue - wet hair.  It's no wonder my hair looks the way it does.  I forget to do it about half of the time.  So after sweating to death on my 80 mph drive in with the heater blasting, my hair is dry enough to pull in a pony and call it half good.

I rush into the board room at work at 9:02.  Luckily, I'm not late - people are still assembling.  In an attempt to hurry up and get my butt in a chair, I grab my giant purse/bag to grab my glasses out of it (of which they aren't - they are at home in the bathroom.. awesome).  And that's when the pinnacle of the morning happens - my purse snags the edge of my dress and comes right up on to my hip.  Yep - totally flashed everyone in the board room.  Fabulous.  Guess they didn't know when they hired me I would eventually show my ass - literally!  Oh well - at least the men in the department weren't in there yet.  The rest of the staff will know the real me (if they don't already) in short order!

I think it's time I try to figure out how to either slow down my morning or get up earlier?  Pretty soon I'll be up at 4:00 to watch Marcus Welby.  Ugh.

How old are you?

I find myself in a unique situation.  It is difficult for me to find women (or people in general) in a similar situation as I which causes me often to feel disconnected from my friends.

I am blessed to have a ton of friends - work friends, neighbor friends, my kiddo's friend's parent friends, etc. but none of them are where I am in life.  It gets frustrating because I often feel like I don't connect with them. 

If I really think about I have had this feeling for about as long as I can remember.  I was the 4th child (baby of the family) with a 14 year spread in age from top to bottom.  Once my sibs left home by the time I was about 12, I was an only child.  All that is to say ~ not a lot in common within my own family circle.

Making the decision to start my family when I was WAY young also caused separation from my peers.  I was the only girl married with a 9 month old at my senior high school prom.   My friends went to college, moved on and had their life experiences.  Again ~ not much in common.

I was 23 years old when my son started kindergarten.  Talk about intimidating.  I had NOTHING in common with the 30 year old mom's of my son's friends.  I busted it to be just like the other mom's all through my 20's ~ more responsible than my age, totally involved in school, etc.  I ended many friendships that I perceived as immature, because grown ups didn't drink and go out and act silly.  Mature parents did all the right things, said all the right things, always acted appropriately.  Again ~ disconnected.

I attended my son's high school graduation when I was 36.  Oh yeah, that would be common.  NOT.  Most of my son's friend's parents were in the late forties or fifties.  If they were graduating their youngest kids, some of them were even in their SIXTIES!  Some of them are talking retirement when I'm really at the turn of my career just taking off.  Grrr ~ disconnected.

The majority of my 20's and 30's I acted like someone I wasn't, trying to fit in and be "appropriate" to connect with others.  It was forced and uncomfortable much of the time.

Today, I'm often finding myself still there.  Yes, I have a second child who is in elementary school.  Yes, I live in a neighborhood with other elementary school kids.  Yes, my age on PAPER is close to those around me.  But still, a giant separation exists. I think it exists because although my hubs and I were finally blessed to have a second child together, he came much later than the first born. 

I've been married almost 20 years (23 if you count the first one which I rarely do!).  I have very few friends with that longevity and those that do have it are in their late forties, early fifties with their kids out of the house.  The hubs and I have been through it all and still learn everyday how to appreciate each other for the people we have (and are) becoming.  We throw down like no other ~ in the best of ways and sometimes not so great ~ but that passion is what keeps us together.  Our marriage is SO much better than it was even 10 years ago when we were struggling to raise a young man.

I've experienced being a mother from birth to adulthood ~ I've been tired and disconnected from my spouse, I've set rules and expectations in my marriage as to what the right mom and dad's look like,  I've tried to "keep up with the Jones'" ~ buying all the right brands, all the right toys, all the right STUFF.  I've waited up at night for the teenager to come home, watched him marry and become a father.

I am less than 10 short years away from downsizing, simplifying life TREMENDOUSLY and living my true, non-materialistic self.  And all my current friends?  Well, they won't get me (again).  They will think I'm weird because I'm not like them ~ I can just hear it now "JD, you aren't OLD, you are exactly our age!"  When I slowly duck out of the lime light of social media, material objects and "required participation" I am sure they will be perplexed.  Probably think I've lost my mind, become introverted and depressed or something.  But friends - it isn't about my age.

What they don't know now that they will learn when they are where I am now is that I had years of life experience ahead of them.  That is why I am so comfortable in my skin and don't care what others think of me.  I've already been through where they are now and I'm out on the other side of it by a significant amount of years.

Yep, act like I'm 50 but I'm still in my thirties.  At least for another month!

 

Finding the Funny

I'm smiling today.  Not really because I want to but because I was told to. 

A seminar speaker (yes, another one) that I heard a couple of weeks ago said we have the power of positive thinking.  We could actually sort of will something to happen in our lives if we remained positive about it.  Seriously.  Who in their right mind believes that?  Oh ~ she sure did.  We even did an exercise where we looked at our partner (the BFF) and said outloud something we wanted but in the past tense, as if we already had it.  Of course I said "Oh my god BFF, I LOVE my new car!  Did you see it yet?  It is so freakin' awesome and I'm so excited to drive it!"  Oh yeah, that worked.  Next day I found out I needed an entire freakin' new engine.  Ugh.

So I don't totally buy into the whole "positive thinking" mumbo jumbo.

But she did say something that I think might be accurate.  If you look hard enough, really really hard, you can find something funny in everyday things.  Gut laughing funny.  Man, I could use a big dose of that today!!

I'm hoping to stumble into something funny soon.  Supposedly it's right in front of me.  Another hmmmmm.  We shall see!

Compart"mental"izing

As I chat with the BFF today, I was reminded of an awesome skill that she and I both seem to possess ~ the skill of pushing things aside to "deal" with later.  Some might want to call that procrastination however it is not.. I assure you!  I am one of the biggest procrastinators on the planet so I'm very aware of how that operates.

This discussion reminded me of a comment that was made to me a few months ago from another friend.  The talk was on how easy it seemed to be to have friendships with the opposite sex but somewhat struggle with same-sex friendships.  This area can be quite sticky for some depending on their marriages or partnerships if the spouse or partner isn't naturally trusting.  Thank god I don't have that problem in my own marriage!  I have several friends that aren't really trusted to hang out with members of the opposite sex. 

So back to the comment:  I was told I "compartmentalize".  What in the hell is that?  Of course I know the meaning of the word but I had no idea whatsoever how it applied to me.  Further explanation made it all clear:  my friend indicated I "think like a guy".  I put my thoughts and emotions into boxes of sorts.  Home... work... this group of friends.... that group of friends.... this part of the family.... that part of the family... and neither the 'tween shall meet.  However that saying goes.  Basically I don't cross my life paths.  And this goes so much further beyond just categories of people~ it applies to my EMOTIONS as well.  Move this emotion over to allow the experience of another one.  It wouldn't surprise me if I think like a guy ~ I was raised by a guy, had two brothers, tons of guy cousins and uncles and primarily only played with boys when I was a kid (get your mind out the gutter!)  They always seemed easier to get along with and didn't judge me on my hair or clothes ~ just liked the fact I could climb the tree and play army as well as they could.

I've always thought of myself as a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl.  My sun and moon signs are both in Scorpio depicting I truly am exactly as how others see me.  I strive to be real, not put on any airs and show the world exactly as I am without being something I am not.  Obviously, this is a bit of misnomer to me - how can I be exactly as I am if I am constantly "compartmentalizing" myself?  Do people see that I do this?  Is it a bad thing?

As kids we are brought up to believe we should behave a certain way.  A wife should behave one way.  A mother should behave another way.  A friend should behave this way.  So it's no doubt to me that I have created compartments for each portion of my life especially if any one specific part requires me to behave in a way inconsistent with what I REALLY strive to be.

But maybe there is just some hidden meaning in the word and she didn't want to say it to me ~ hmmmmmmm?

Non-Mundane Monday

Ah, Mondays.  My friends typically get bummed out by around 6 pm Sunday night, knowing Monday is coming.  I'm such a planner that I love Sunday evenings, hence don't mind Monday's that much ~ the ritual of finishing up work clothes laundry, signing little guy's school paperwork, re-writing the weekly schedule on the fridge, setting up the coffee pot to brew at 6 am, etc.  It's like a do-over for the week before, so I get a chance to do this week better than the last one.

This Monday is a bit different though.  I feel a surge of panic, indecision, inconsistency.  A lot of major decisions will be made this week and I'm nervous.  If you know me at all, you know that change is exhilarating for me.  I thrive on it.  I am usually pretty "go with the flow".  I don't feel so flowy today, however.  The future is a bit unclear for a family member of mine but the decisions made this week will most definitely impact me in a big way.

So I'm a bit on the fence today.  One of the most difficult things in the world I think is to be an objective, supportive, unconditionally loving person to those that you love even when you find yourself confused, uncertain and scared.  It's the biggest feat we are given as parents as well ~ raise them to the best of your abilities and then love them throughout all of their life journey, no matter what.

I'm praying for strength today, to be courageous and put my own feelings aside.  Something a mother is accustomed to doing but nonetheless, uncomfortable (especially for a fairly assertive girl like me).

Thank god I have the support of my hubs ~ I wouldn't make it through most of my journeys without him and he allows me to be crazy, confused and scared even when he thinks I'm nuts.  Everyone needs someone who's GOT YOUR BACK!

Morning Bliss

Any of my mom friends reading today will totally relate to my morning bliss...  aka, FIRST ONE UP!  I absolutely love Sunday mornings.  I'm always the first one up and we typically don't have anything to do right away (yes, I'm aware... Pastor Schwartz would be not so happy to read this).  I make my coffee, clean up Saturday night dishes that didn't fit in the dishwasher and snuggle down in my chair with a blankey thinking about the upcoming week.  Nope, I don't dread it ~ I try to envision all my opportunities, ask God for guidance in my decisions (which I ask for A LOT) and identify things I'm grateful for. 

Today, my gratefulness overflows.  The hubs and I worked our tails off in the house yesterday, mainly because of a cranky washing machine.  So as I sit and enjoy my coffee this morning, I am reminded how grateful I am that we have a home to work our tails off in, that we have stuff we have to clean and that we have bodies that allow us to do physical work.  The little things...

I hope all my mom friends are having a quiet cup of coffee this morning.  Maybe just 1/2 a cup, but I hope you get a moment to reflect before the decent begins, the kids are hungry, the hubs is up and your daily wonderful chaos begins.  Be grateful you have chaos!

Belly Laugh

Keeping in trend with my new education of self, I was reminded last week of how crucial it is that we try to have at least one moment each day to laugh.  I don't mean chuckle, smile or sort of half laugh politely ~ I mean thrown hands in the air, hysterical laughter that makes your belly shake and your eyes tear (or completely sob, whichever the case). 

I got that moment this morning, and it was so totally out of the blue and silly but I couldn't help myself.  I was on the phone with the BFF and we were having our normal daily banter (yep, I talk to the BFF every single day of my life (or try very hard to) and have since we were about 18!).  We have almost the same discussion every morning:  what's up with your kids, what's up with mine, what drama did you encounter last night, how are we gonna pay our bills, love our kids (that's usually the main topic) even though they drive us nutty... same ole same ole.

As we were running over last night's events and today's agenda, we both spilled that we must go to the store.  There is no food in the house.  We are out of the "necessities".  In short:  she needed toilet paper.  Okay, why is that funny?  Well, at least once a week, she buys toilet paper.  WAY more than the average bear (no pun intended, Charmin).  She lives in a house with 3 girls and 1 guy, hence the over-usage.  I, conversely, live in a house with 2 guys and 1 girl, so it seems to last me FOREVER.  I know, way TMI.

So she has come up with a plan.  She has thrown down the gauntlet in her house and achieved her Queen status:  NO MORE THAN 2 SQUARES PER VISIT.  I died laughing... rolling off the couch laughing.  Pee my pants kind of laughing.  Seriously, this will work?  I say.  Yes, it will work.  I mean it!  I laugh even harder.  God I love that woman ~ I have NO idea what I would do if I didn't have her in my daily life!

Try to take time to get in a belly laugh today.  My entire day was reshaped the minute I let that out!