Saturday, August 10, 2013

Keep it down, Davis.

Bite your tongue.
Hold your breath.
Not another peep.
Don't say a word.
Keep it to yourself.
Turn on your filter.

If I had a dollar for every time I either thought these to myself or had someone gently remind me of them, I would be a very, very rich woman.

I am by far the least confrontational woman on the planet.  I will not confront anyone except maybe my family.  I hate it with a passion.  Worse yet - when I am terribly passionate about something it makes it impossible to hold in.  And when I blow, which I do on rare occasions, it usually ends up badly for me.  I can't articulate my point correctly because my emotions are overflowing.  I've typically let it bottle up way longer than it needed.  I breakdown, cry and often times say very hurtful things.  And I honestly just want to run away and hide.

I find myself there again.

It takes everything I have to keep it still.  I can't breathe sometimes when I allow myself to think to much.  It's a big unresolved and I'm not even sure at this point how to begin to approach it.

Do you ever feel this way?  What are your coping mechanisms, friends?  How do you tactfully confront someone?

I rationally know the absolute best way to resolve it is to just sit down, discuss it openly and go from there.  But I'm fired up.  I'm on edge.  I'm defensive, even though I really don't feel I need to be.  Therefore I can't move forward.  It's as if I'm paralyzed in time.

It makes me sincerely regretful of my inability to proceed.

I have found myself here few times in my life.  Most of the time my resolution is to just remove the source of the problem.  End the relationship.  Never look back.  And in all honesty, I usually don't regret that path.  Well, most of the time I don't.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always make me feel better.  Although the source of conflict is gone I still feel a nag that I left something unresolved.

I have a million opinions.  I can articulate my hopes, dreams, desires and goals fairly easily.  I express my dislikes, worries and anxieties without much trouble.  Well, to the right people.

It's disappointment, dissatisfaction and failure that are a little rough on me.  I usually don't tell people when they hurt me.  If my food isn't cooked correctly, I never send it back.  When people promise things and let me down, I brush it off as if I don't care.

But I do care.  All of us care.  I'm envious of my friends that can just say the words.  Tell the people around them they aren't happy with the outcome of something.  Because they let it out, it doesn't fester and they resolve how they feel about others.

I wish I was more like that.  I wish I wasn't so intimidated to confront people.  I wish I could better articulate how I feel sometimes.

Proof we are all a work in progress.

Happy Saturday, friends.


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