Monday, November 19, 2012

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

And just like that, my weekend is coming to an end.  I hate endings.  They are always sad, even when the joy in between was at its highest.

My pride is so overflowing this morning I'm not sure I can truly articulate it.  The kids are doing absolutely amazing in California.  One would think they have lived here their entire marriage.  They are totally settled, seemingly happier than they have ever been.  They have a fantastic home, a structured, consistent daily life and friends that are supportive of them.

And they moved 1,600 miles away to achieve that.

In talking with the kids this weekend, I am filled with mixed emotions.  They have adapted beautifully to their new lives.  Sassy is in school, Bubba reports to his ship with excitement each day and E is loving all his new found independence and time with his momma each day. 

I'm almost envious.

I have never taken the type of risk the kids took.  Honestly, I always looked at it like that:  a risk.  I was so entrenched with taking care of my mom for the ten years following my departure from home that I never even considered there would ever be another option to living in Missouri.  I've traveled all over the states and even though I found areas of the country where I thought the climate, community and people were awesome, I still could never see Hubs and I leaving Missouri.  I've always been comfortable at home, knowing what I know and not taking risks.

I wonder what my life would have been like had I moved away?  Both of my brothers moved right after high school.  They both enlisted and ended up on the west coast.  They seemed to have liked those years although both now are back in Missouri, too.

My son endured an often combative relationship with the other side of his family and the combination of obligation and conditional love became overwhelming to him.  His understanding of the true meaning of a family is entrenched with acceptance, support and unconditional love... something I am extremely proud to see him establishing in his own family unit.  But no matter how hard Hubs and I tried to keep things steady for the kids, the drama filled conflict coming at them from the other side was just to much to bear most of the time.  Now that they are here, the drama has come to an end.  Their obligations have come to an end.  They can decide to move forward and not even acknowledge the things that riddled them in the last few years.

For me, I stayed.  I endured somewhat common drama to the kids with certain members of my family, too.  But my mom kept me rooted in Missouri and I pushed through.  And now, I find myself a bit envious.  I don't regret my decisions to stay put but with the kids move I can see that Hubs and I had an open field of options that we couldn't even see.

I really need to learn to open my intuition.  Listen to my soul a bit more. 

What can I say.... a constant work in progress.  Do we ever stop learning?

Have a fantastic Monday, friends.  I'll be back in the Midwest by the end of the day!


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