Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Slash THIS!

I made an epic parental failure last weekend.  Even us tenured parents can do that from time to time.

I ramped up my movie going in the last few months to try to beat the Oscars.  On a few occasions, I drug little guy along with me.  He really was a trooper.  Any 11 year old that can sit through 3 hours of Lincoln is definitely a team player.

Each ticket purchase went the same though.

"Mom, are we going to see one of those boring awards movies or can we go see Hansel and Gretel?"

"Hansel and Gretel?  What is that - like the book?"

"Yeah, like the book.  Only WAY cooler.  The guy from Bourne Legacy is in it and he and his sister shoot witches."

"Yeah, I'm not seeing that movie, bud.  EVER."

Hung face, marching into the theater, defeat.  I win, he lost.

Since basketball has completed, little guy is becoming increasingly bored out of his mind.  It doesn't help that we got tons of snow, it's been freezing and he needed down time any way.  This weekend he begged for some Redbox movies and games and I caved.  As we stood at the Kiosk flipping through the movies, one jumped off the screen and his eyes lit up.

"MOM!  They have Hansel and Gretel!  Let's get it!"

"Oh Lord, bud.  That's the movie with the shooting of the witches?"


Looking into his big brown eyes, I caved.

"It's PG13, right buddy?"

"Yes Mom, it's PG13."

"Okay bud, you win.  You can have it."

Sunday afternoon before starting the living room carpet cleaning, little guy was bouncing off the walls. Boredom had taken him to a whole new level.  He was standing in the kitchen convulsing to the Harlem Shake song (something I wish was NEVER created...)

"Bud - pop in your movie.  You need something to occupy you NOW!"

He slid the movie in and I grabbed the popcorn.  As the previews began, I immediately became concerned.  Slasher movie, scary movie, slasher movie, scary movie.  Hmmm, not so good.

The first scene began.  A woman was shackled to a wall in a rock basement.  Her ankle was bloody and torn up.  She was desperately trying to get out of it.  She picked up a rock and slammed it against the contraption holding her, breaking her free.  As she struggled to climb through a small opening in the wall, a shadow lurked behind her.  She escaped from the building and began to ran through the woods, only to be chased down by a giant, bearded man.

Flash to the next scene, she is being tied with barbed wire.  The man picks up a garden spade (the three prong kind) and starts hitting her abdomen with it.  He spreads seasoning all over her body, slams an apple in her mouth.  And yep - slides her into a giant oven, turning up the flames.  She is SCREAMING.

I'm dying.


Little guy has his head firmly planted in the back cushions of the couch.

"It's just like the book Mom!  You know, the bad woman lives in the woods and feeds the kids candy and eats them?"

OH MY GOD.  For some reason, I totally forgot all about that part.  I must have tucked it away in the "repressed memory" section of my brain.


So for the next 90 minutes, I sat in horror and continued to watch every single second of the WORST movie ever made for television.  Major violence, blood every where.  Scenes were teens eat their own flesh (trying to get candy off of them).  AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL.  But for some reason, I just could NOT turn it off.

I am such an idiot!!!

As the movie started to come to a close, it dawned on me.

"Buddy - Jeremy Renner was NOT in this movie?  Are you sure we got the right movie??"

He ran to the computer and googled it.  Because that's what kids do - they google everything.

Hey - did you know there are actually TWO Hansel and Gretel movies?  Ah... we do now!  We got the wrong damn movie.

And so it goes.

I'm not sure the amount of therapy I'll be paying for in the future to try to erase these images from my 11 year old's mind.  Whatever the price, I'll pay it.  It's the least I can do for being such a stellar mother.

Happy Wednesday, friends.  My advice? Stay AWAY from this movie!!


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