I'm having heart palpitations. My left arm is numb. I'm sure I'm having a heart attack right now. Oh wait... that's just panic. Yep, on my 40 birthday-eve I'm feeling a bit agitated. Hmm, I wonder why. It can't be because I haven't accomplished what I wanted by now. I have far exceeded my goals of myself. Granted I have new goals all the time but in terms of "stuff" and "position in life", I got where I wanted to be. So what is it?
Every big event that occurs I always sit back and ask myself pretty much the same few questions. Do I have the RELATIONSHIPS I want to have? Am I giving enough to those in my life? What can I do to improve being a better person to those I love and care about?
I think that is why I love Thanksgiving so much. I really, truly, consciously try to be grateful for the people in my life. I've even challenged myself with a month of gratefulness every morning to those I care about. Not STUFF, just people. It's been quite easy, surprisingly.
But this birthday seems heavier. No, I'm not vain. I don't care about my wrinkles or my muffin top. I don't care if I have the right "stuff" to fit in with anyone. I think I'm trying to barometer my life, my relationships. It's a tough one ~ each relationship we have is a two way street. You may try really desperately hard to be close to someone that has no desire to reciprocate. Do you keep trying? Do you discard and start over? I've always been the latter ~ relationship isn't working, can't get things to grow and change, so just dump it and move on. Ouch. I have a giant string of these. No regrets, but they still hang back there as reminders to me.
So I think I will have some preemptive cocktails tonight with the hubs to celebrate the impending doom of tomorrow. How bad can it be? Just everyone reminding me I'm old now. I was 4 when my momma turned 40. How weird is that. My sons are 22 and 10! At least I have d-day to look forward to a short 8 years from now. Or sooner if hubs and I can't make it that long. Oh little guy, I hope you can get out before we start the downsizing or you might just be going with it! :) Of course I'm kidding....
A funny I can leave you with... Little guy told hubs and I this week that he wants to go to LSU. It's the purple tigers, so all in the fam with MU. Funny. I ask why. His reply? "Mom, everyone wants to play football in Death Valley." He has this awesome idea that when he goes to college hubs and I will be moving with him (not in the dorm of course, but close by). Afterwards hubs and I just had to laugh... no WAY can we live that close to New Orleans! We would need new livers by his Junior year!
Out of the mouths of babes.... :)