Dealing with an ex is hard enough for most people, whether married or just even dating. I have never been one of those kinds of women that stayed friends with my exes after we broke up... well, very well anyway. It always seemed weird to me that you could find friendship with people that you couldn't be partners with. Obviously mature cordialness is required but a true friendship? No way.
always thought that I got this grudge filled angst from my momma. In fact I have blamed her publicly... probably even on this blog somewhere! Alas, I have finally figured out at 40 years of age that I didn't get it from my mother at all. I got it from my Dad. Yep, fellow Scorpio. I should have known.
I hold MAJOR grudges. It is a massive fault of mine. They follow me around like ducklings all throughout my day. Sometimes they are just little ones, where someone slightly hurt my feelings and I never told them. Of course. Because I am completely non-confrontational. Others though are bigger, more entrenched grudges. My inability to forgive the BIG stuff is giant. And my emotions that travel with these grudges are as deep rooted as my love for other things. I simply cannot let things go.
This past weekend included a family gathering for E. It was a beautiful day, sun shining brightly. E was in a fantastic mood. The kids worked hard on his party and did a fantastic job! I looked around and took inventory of the attendees with a smile on my face. Bub's super stepmom and her entire family where there. Our family was there. Kate's family was there. Even my exes mom and sister came. Everyone was laughing and have a blast.
My exes Dad walked down the sidewalk toward the party and every single nerve on my body stood at attention. I was instantly mad. Mad at him and mad at myself. It isn't my relationship... why the hell do I care if he comes to support my grandson?
And there you have it. MINE. See, I really am the baby of the family! I love my kids and grandson unconditionally and am loyal to them to a fault probably. I would take a bullet for them. I would muster up any amount of guts I had to stand and protect them against anyone that wanted to hurt them.
I'm sure he loves them. I'm sure he does. He allowed his son to fire Bub after his honeymoon, but I'm sure that was in Jer's best interest (actually, it was.. little did he know). This was AFTER he didn't come to Bub's wedding in protest for my exes 4th wife. He doesn't know my Kate. He has only seen E once as a baby (once more than my ex). I'm ANGRY. He could easily have shown the kids love and support all along.
So now he's gonna traipse into the party, high five everyone, be the boastful Grandpa and then walk out?
No way man. No way.
This is my major fault. I am angry, still. It's been three years since the kids were involved really with my ex or certain others in his family. And I'm still angry. To me, their sins are unforgivable. And you can call it parent alienation all you want... but if you jack with my kids, I will hate you forever. Instead of focusing on what I am doing, take responsibility for your own damn actions.
A momma's heart and soul protects her kids to the end. This is me. I may be wrong, but it's me. It's who I am.
I'm sure hubs prays for me to forgive a lot. He knows the emotional toll it has on me to be angry. I do, too... the logical side of me. But my heart just won't let it go.
I'm glad he got to see them. I'm glad he saw the smiles on their faces, the happiness in their lives. And I hope that a slight part of him is filled with regret for the things he has missed. That's what I really hope. Because I'm bitchy like that.
Sorry for the mean blog, friends.. sometimes a girl has just got to let it out!