Monday, January 02, 2012

Selfish, much?

And the drama continues.

After months of non-communication, blocked phones and snide comments, my friend's ex has given up.  It's a blessing, really for her and the kids.  But the disappointment that will soon follow is such a hard burden to bear.

They divorced at the beginning of 2011 and within 2 months, he remarried.  Even though it was a total amiable divorce, they vowed to be the best friends and parents they could be (even used one attorney!) and wrote the most awesome shared parenting plan known to man.  I guess the remarriage wasn't part of the parenting plan.  Oh, and now he and his new wife of 10 months are expecting.  Awesome.

I swear I just don't get it.  How does a man (or woman for that matter) just turn their head on their kids and choose the new wife over them?  I understand some men can't stand to be alone but come on people!  That's taking it a bit to far in my opinion.  How selfish do you have to be to put your own needs in front of your kid's needs?

Hubs and I have said time and time again - if for some reason we were to divorce there is no WAY either of us would introduce another person to little guy.  No way.  It just isn't fair to up heave his life for our own needs and wants.  Crap, Missouri shares custody 50/50 - if you can't have a few dates when you don't have your kids and put them first when you do have them you are an even more selfish ass!

My heart hurts today for her boys, in particular the 10 year old.  He will understand this.  Kids are not stupid.  When his dad gives up time with him, doesn't show up to his events (which he is already doing) and puts his new wife and stepkids in front of his own, they will get it.  In evokes one simple feeling:  abandonment.  It will carry with them throughout their life.  And my friend can be the very best mother in the whole entire world but she will never be able to make up for the loss the boys will eventually feel.  

I have first hand knowledge of this.  No, I've never been a stepmom.  Thank god.  I can't imagine trying to assist in raising another woman's children.  I'll tell you one thing - if I did I would go over the top with respect for her as a mother regardless of what my new husband felt about her.  That's easy separation of church and state - keep the past relationship out of the future parenting.  My dad left my mom after 37 years of marriage when I was a teenager and within a very short time, he remarried.  He had made it clear that the reason he could leave my mom at the time was that his kids were grown (uh hem... what about me?)  He married a woman with guess what.... kids.  They are around the ages of me and my sibs so no little ones obviously;.  He immediately started a great relationship with them... and discarded me.  At least that is how I felt.  And I was old enough to know better, so how do you think little kids understand this?

Special thoughts for my friend today.  I've got your back, sister.  Be the best mom you can be, hold your head up high and it will be okay.  Tell your boys that they have valid, real emotions ~ don't make them be happy with their dad when they aren't.  I used to defend Bubba's dad when he was little and didn't show up to stuff - "it's okay, buddy... he had to work late.  He'll be at the next one."  For many years I tried to do that.  When I stopped defending him, it was liberating.  It's was the truth.  It was easier to just tell him the truth instead of lie.  I just loved him through the disappointment the best I could.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks Jen. Don't know how I'd do this without friends like you and Melissa and everyone else who has been there for us.